Thoughts Without Release

Do you have songs that speak the words that your heart feels but yet can't release? I have so many. I am not a verbalize, although I love writing. I love the release that I feel when I write.

Middle of nowhere

Finally you can breathe

Nobody knows your name

It's easier

Shut your eyes tightly

Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed

Cautiously, lightly
Gently expose what's underneath

And all you feel now

Is the scarlet in your day

Even it's real

You can't stay...

So there you go

You're gone for good

There you go

You're gone for good

Your mind is swollen

From months of thought without release
They've taken their toll on you

This very moment

Of timid and fragile honesty

Is precious and rare and fleeting

And all you feel now

Is the scarlet in your day

Even it's real

You can't stay...

**Scarlet-Brooke Fraser**

My Life is Like Twisted Bed Sheets

Most of you that are currently reading this know me rather well. So the fact that I have random thoughts like the one I am about to share with you really won't come as much of a shock.

Last night, as I ran through my standard 'I am about to go to bed' routine which consists of changing my clothes, brushing my teeth, washing the face, memorizing what my floor looks like before I take the blind little run from turning off my lights against one wall to getting into bed without stubbing a toe or tripping...I realized something.

As I pulled back my neatly lined up comforter, I realized that morning I had only pulled up my comforter and made it look nice, however I never fixed the sheets. The sheets were a mess...they were at the foot of the bed, wrapped around itself and all twisted like. Then it came to me...that often my life is like my bed. Wait for it. Often, the top level, the surface, the outer appearance is put together. Without any digging I appear very much so together. But with a little digging, you will find quite the contrary.

I am a mess. Dirty. Unclean. Selfish. Forgetful. But here is the cool part....

The next day, brings new mercies, and the Lord is SOO good. He is incredibly faithful, way far beyond my very finite mind can ever possibly comprehend. Tomorrow (today) I can wake up and 'make my bed' (for the sake of this story), but I can choose to die to my flesh and walk with Christ. To have it somewhat more together in my spirit and soul!!

That is all. :)

Pre-1,500 Mile Move

Life prior moving to San Diego was interesting, to say the least. I thought I had everything so planned out. I was 20, I had graduated from high school, worked 'real' 9-5 Mon-Fri jobs, and I knew what I wanted for my future. Here is my plan when I was 20...

• Get a Business Degree
• Graduate
• Enter Corporate America and climb to the top
• Minister to those around me
• Establish myself
• Be financially 'secure' and have plenty to give to my brother and his wife to do missions
• Get married later, as in 30 sounds great
• Have children eventually

In general that was my amazing 'plan' for my life. Please note I said 'my' life, and not the life God had given me. I had completely lost site of what the Lord wanted and the crazy part was, I thought I was doing it all right.

 

Nearly 2 Years Later

It is crazy how much God changes things over the period of nearly 24 months. It's simply unexplainable. It's funny how much God has changed my priorities, convicted me, and put desires in my heart that I never even knew I possessed.


I was scanning a book the other day and something I was really drawn to is this idea that God knows us way better than we could ever possibly know ourselves so why in the world do we always try (keyword 'try') to control our circumstances/future. If we could just completely trust in the Lord based off the idea in Psalm 37 about 'delighting in Him and He will fulfill the desires of your heart', then I can't comprehend ever choosing things for myself. He knows my desires. He knows me better than I know myself. The book was referencing to the sense of the guy choosing his future wife verse the Lord. The guy fell to his knees surrendered his personal agenda and gave his 'love life' (if you will) to the Lord trusting that God could provide Him a far more adequate woman than his flesh could ever choose for himself.


That idea really resonated with me, but in many more ways than a significant other. This could be applied to jobs, school, well truly anything that requires a decision to be made. I am not saying to go out and be indecisive, but why wouldn't we trust the Lord more? He is all knowing, He has our best interest in mind, He is our Father who disciplines us out of love and for the desire to see us grow....hmmm

my body faints for You

I felt extremely convicted by this verse the other day when I read it....

"God, you are my God; I eagerly seek You.

 I thirst for You; my body faints for You..."

Ps. 63:1

I realized the other day that I yearn for things or people of this world more than I yearn for God, at least lately. I want to thirst for the Lord and for nothing or noone else! I want to be satisfied by Him and Him alone. I want to "rejoice in the shadow of Your wings. I follow close to you; Your right hand holds on to me" (ps. 63:7-8).

At the cross You, beckon me

draw me gently to my knees

and i am

lost for words, so

lost in love, i am

sweetly broken, Holy surrender

This vs. That

Okay so my I am about to file my taxes and I REALLY want to use the return for getting my love for photography off the ground which could then be a potential source of income. Aka pay off those ridiculous student loans.

vs.

Or, I could use the return and begin the process of paying off the loans.

The decision:  I would rather take the risk and see the purchasing of equipment as an investment to future income. Once I give that money to pay off loans I see it as potential money that could have been made with a small down payment that just slipped out of my minds because I wanted to take the 'safe' route.

Oh father...how you have influenced my financial ways of thinking...

Penny for Your Thoughts-Photo Editing Edition

I need some thoughts, please please please comment with your personal preferences/thoughts! :)

Which photo editing program do you use?
Why is it the best, or why is it the one you chose?
If you could use a different one, would you? Which one?

I am sure I have other questions, but lets start with this!!
Thanks in advance for your thoughts & suggestions :)

Over Thinking Photography

I've been analyzing photography for a long while coming now. I've come to realize a few things...their photography company is typically their name. This makes me wonder if it is because they are lacking originality or if in fact they want it linked to their name because it comes off more personal, in a way. I still find it lacking umph, meat, originality, or uniqueness if you will.

Also, most photographers have really awesome back drops for photos. The textures in the background make the picture. Either that, or the photo editing that took place to emphasize various things in the photo. If the person has awesome eyes then typically the photo is edited so as to emphasize the color/shape/size/etc.

I've also noticed that photographers have a tendency to find a setting/layering in editing they like and they stick to it.

I came up with some questions when researching....

• Do you get to know the couple/person first so it's easier to determine the shoot location, time of day, editing, etc? I feel like that would be important, so they are uniquely taken for that couple/person.
• Do you bring props or do they?
• Do you choose poses or do they or do they just act natural as you shoot from various angles?

I think I just need to start doing and stop thinking. Sometimes that is the best fix.

Once Upon a Plane Ride..

There are so many ideas swirling through my head that I could write about-being at home, the differences in the family/house, my flights yesterday, what God is teaching me....the list goes on. The one I am choosing to write about today, or right now, because who knows...I could blog again today. But, the one I choose, is Harold. Who's Harold you may ask? Well after a few lines of reading the rest of this blog you will no longer be wondering.

I was the 55th person to board the plane from Phoenix to Little Rock. I barely even made the flight, or at least that is what I thought was going to occur! My flight from Orange County to Phoenix was about 30ish or so minutes behind schedule due to a late departure because of weather. I landed at approximately 11:15am (Arizona time). Next flight scheduled to take off at 11:20am. I became slightly panic stricken, I wanted to go home!! I started praying. After some brisk walking and mild running, I made it over to my other gate. I was pleasantly reassured by the line of people still standing there waiting to board. First thought, pee. Goodness knows those plane bathrooms just don't suffice. On to Harold...

So back to being the 55th person to board the plane. To my extremelyyyy pleasant surprise and bewilderment...the front row on the left side still had 2 seats remaining, 1 of which was the window seat. I was seriously shocked that no one jumped on the opportunity for a window seat in the front row, which means you have at least an extra 12 inches of leg room, and you get to be one of the first to get off the plane. God knows that I get extremely restless and antsy on planes, I think he saved it for Harold and me. After boarding, it took nearly an hour to take off...we were in line behind 12-13 planes.

In the mean time, this little old man was the last to board. He was well dressed, looked like a golfer. He also appeared quite friendly. The lady came over the intercom and said it was going to be a completely full flight. The seat to my left was still open. The old man made his way to the front and took the seat next to me. We started talking, we never stopped talking. The longest pause in conversation was 3 minutes, if even.

Harold was quite the business man. He grew up in Alabama, southern baptist, one of the 3 kids-he was the middle. He is the owner or partial owner of 3 companies. He told me all about them. I learned SO much about him and from him in that 3 1/2 hours. He has been happily married for 52 years...he says Californians look at him like he's crazy for being married that long. He told me about the up and coming inventions and products that are about to be huge. We talked about real estate (he is a real estate agent as well). He told me about the crop circles outside the window (he was an agricultural major in college). He told me about his favorite states, cities, and countries (he has been to every state multiple times, except Alaska). By the way, I was asking questions...he didn't just offer all of this. He asked me about myself a lot as well. I told him about how I ended up in California, my major, my dad's job, I taught him how to play Sudoku, I told him about crocheting, about how I love photography, about Arkansas...but mostly I enjoyed just listening to him.

He is 74...I asked him if he planned on retiring, he said only when his health fails him and smiled. He told me how is wife thinks he's crazy for taking on new projects. He told me about not having electricity until he was 8, and a tv until he was 18 and how his grandchildren can't even comprehend what that is like. He told me about being on a company plane when it crashed (while we were on the plane.....not cool Harold). He told me to email him when I graduate and he would give me a job and handed me a business card.

This is long, and this isn't even the half of it. I love meeting people on planes. I love meeting people full of life experience and wisdom, especially if they are willing to share some of it with me.

Another amazing flight full of interesting convos.

-Until next Monday.