Friday, June 11th

A journal entry that brought forth reflection...usually it's the opposite ;) please read...

Last Friday, June 11th we woke bright and early and you drove 4 1/2 hours south and I drove 5 hours north with the parentals. The day was perfect. Location did not matter, all I wanted was to be with you, in your presence, spending time together. We could have been in the middle of the desert and I would have been just as excited! It took a little to find you, nerves built, anxiety set in, then, in the middle of the baseball parking lot, there you were! More handsome than ever, and I fell more in love with you. The rest of the details of the day begin to run together in my mind, but we held hands like giddy 13 year olds holding hands with their first boyfriend/girlfriend. I pray we never lose that. We smiled, and laughed, you held me close, you provided for me, I couldn't get enough of your presence-of your love. I was so gluttonous, ha! And as the day came to a close we met up with my parents in the 'Italian District' in St. Louie called The Hill. We all ate dinner, and conversed, but we all knew the time was coming for us to separate again but noone was going to say it. We held hands under the table. For me, I wanted to hold onto every last bit of you that I could up till that final moment.

Time progressed and there we were, two young kids in love, walking along the streetside, awaiting the inevitable. We held hands, we held eachother, you gave me a piggy back ride and I kissed your cheek right by your little mole that I adore. Time to go. It was a great day. I love you sweetheart until next time our paths cross, which who knows, only God!

....Now as I wrote that in my journal, I became convicted...that love that I have for Brett..that anxiousness to spend time with him, where I didn't care where I was or what I was doing, that I just wanted to be in his presence and so desparately spend time with him...I sometimes lose sight of that with the Lord. I sometimes lose sight of that with Brett too though. And once again, God brought me to my knees and I fell more in love with Him. He began through that conviction to re-priortize His place in my life, and for that I am so thankful. I never want to be more in love with anything or anyone more than I am with the Lover and Savior of my soul!!

Without Ceasing

I read this at starbucks this morning on a little bench enjoying the brisk air and the company of strangers....

"All these were continually united in prayer" (Acts 1:14)
A simple phrase made up of 7 words....with an extremely powerful message. Continually united in prayer. Geez, continually, as in always. United, with fellow believers. Prayer, nonetheless.

That short statement put my flesh in check so fast. I found it to be extremely convicting...

Con-tin-u-al-ly
–adverb

1.  very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually.
2.  without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.

U-nit-ed
-adjective
1.  made into or caused to act as a single entity:  a united front.

Fake it Till You Make it...?

We live in a world with this mentality of fake it till you make it no matter what the situation. If you don't know what you are doing or if you aren't necessarily the best at something appear like you are until you convince everyone or until you actually become just that good at it.


Right before I crashed in bed the other night, this concept replayed randomly in my mind. I quickly equated it to our walks with the Lord. I was soooo tired though that I repeated it several times in my head, hoping the next day I would wake up and be able to recall it so that I could write this blog. I was too exhausted and too lazy just to type a brief little note in my phone as a reminder, so the repitition and the praying that the Lord would remind me the following day was going to have to do the trick!


Clearly I remembered...even though this is days later.


Basically though, I feel like that same mentality has infiltrated our being and even our walks with the Lord. We fake our walk with the Lord till its believable. This results in a lack of accountability, because to everyone else it looks like we are just where we are supposed to be. Keyword there though, 'looks'. With a little digging one could easily find that these people are broken.


I'll probably expand on this later...but this is getting long.

Narnia

Yesterday was one of those days were every inhale of fresh air felt like new life being breathed into me. It was one of those days were the Lord restored every inkling of my being that had been drained through the course of the semester. I felt like myself. From the moment I rose out of bed, I was in communion with the Lord till the moment when my head finally rested on that pillow again. It was a beautiful day full of conversations about the Lord. Not just the ones that allow you to feel encouraged and complacent but the ones that leave you feeling encouraged and challenged to grow.

Yesterday I drove with a friend down to Peets in Hillcrest. Coffee in a house cup sounded delightful, so that was the initial reason for going, but the result of it ended up being so much greater than just a cup of coffee and an awesome friend to converse with. I got to be myself, ask questions, listen, ask more questions, listen...drink coffee while the moon just barely came out in the dark sky. Loud 'clubbish' sounding music was playing at a nearby restaurant.

There is so much more I felt and thought, but the words are unable to be verbalized. But this verse brings me so much joy...."Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful" John 14:27

The Lord does NOT give to us as the world does, geez, He blows my mind.

Part 2: All 'A' Honor Roll

Where has this all left me today?
  Thankful for the Lord and His enlightenment.

It's a weird thing to go from being extremely task oriented to realizing you have options and knowing that you will be loved no matter what. I knew the Lord loved me regardless, and I am so thankful for that, but that verse about not doing work for man's approval or for this world, I suppose that didn't fully sink in.

I am experiencing a freedom like I have never felt. But with that, I am just now taking on hobbies that aren't just working my butt off through being a work-a-holic.

I am 22. I have no hobbies other than photography and reading. I don't even have a camera because it scares me to spend that much money when I have so many loans. I hadn't ridden a bike since I was 12 probably until this past year. I haven't enjoyed being in water since I was 12ish or so.

So here I am...with a plethora of options in front of me, all of which, Im eagerly and anxiously wanting to explore.

Part 1: All 'A' Honor Roll

My 'world' began unraveling day one of my San Diego adventure that started August of 2008. Everything I put stock and found value in that was not from God has slowly been revealed to me throughout the past 2 years. It has rocked me.

A little preface. Growing up in a family of 7 children is a blessing, but it's a tough road. When I was little getting my parents approval and attention equaled love in my eyes. What was my avenue of achieving such love (please note I said 'achieve love')?? I got attention through accomplishing things. I was naturally pretty good at school, so academics seemed to be the obvious choice. I worked my butt off when I was in 2nd grade to get that little lamented gold card that said "all A honor roll" which meant I got a free ice cream in the cafeteria. It also gave me bragging rights at home. I got all the attention I could ever dream of when I was successful, or at least that's how I conditioned myself.

Almost 2 decades down the road I was introduced to the concept of love without works. This may throw some of you, I did in fact receive the Lord as my Savior when I was 8. I suppose I never made the connection that people were even remotely capable of that unconditional kind of love that came without works.

My Life is Like Twisted Bed Sheets

Most of you that are currently reading this know me rather well. So the fact that I have random thoughts like the one I am about to share with you really won't come as much of a shock.

Last night, as I ran through my standard 'I am about to go to bed' routine which consists of changing my clothes, brushing my teeth, washing the face, memorizing what my floor looks like before I take the blind little run from turning off my lights against one wall to getting into bed without stubbing a toe or tripping...I realized something.

As I pulled back my neatly lined up comforter, I realized that morning I had only pulled up my comforter and made it look nice, however I never fixed the sheets. The sheets were a mess...they were at the foot of the bed, wrapped around itself and all twisted like. Then it came to me...that often my life is like my bed. Wait for it. Often, the top level, the surface, the outer appearance is put together. Without any digging I appear very much so together. But with a little digging, you will find quite the contrary.

I am a mess. Dirty. Unclean. Selfish. Forgetful. But here is the cool part....

The next day, brings new mercies, and the Lord is SOO good. He is incredibly faithful, way far beyond my very finite mind can ever possibly comprehend. Tomorrow (today) I can wake up and 'make my bed' (for the sake of this story), but I can choose to die to my flesh and walk with Christ. To have it somewhat more together in my spirit and soul!!

That is all. :)

Nearly 2 Years Later

It is crazy how much God changes things over the period of nearly 24 months. It's simply unexplainable. It's funny how much God has changed my priorities, convicted me, and put desires in my heart that I never even knew I possessed.


I was scanning a book the other day and something I was really drawn to is this idea that God knows us way better than we could ever possibly know ourselves so why in the world do we always try (keyword 'try') to control our circumstances/future. If we could just completely trust in the Lord based off the idea in Psalm 37 about 'delighting in Him and He will fulfill the desires of your heart', then I can't comprehend ever choosing things for myself. He knows my desires. He knows me better than I know myself. The book was referencing to the sense of the guy choosing his future wife verse the Lord. The guy fell to his knees surrendered his personal agenda and gave his 'love life' (if you will) to the Lord trusting that God could provide Him a far more adequate woman than his flesh could ever choose for himself.


That idea really resonated with me, but in many more ways than a significant other. This could be applied to jobs, school, well truly anything that requires a decision to be made. I am not saying to go out and be indecisive, but why wouldn't we trust the Lord more? He is all knowing, He has our best interest in mind, He is our Father who disciplines us out of love and for the desire to see us grow....hmmm

and so IT begins

Ever since the first time I held my first disposable camera when I was about a foot and a half shorter I have loved capturing life in a still frame. Something about it just excited me. Something about it drew me in instantly and has yet to loosen its grip of desire.

I love capturing those little moments that would have otherwise gone forgotten. I skim through old photos and that little piece of paper with splashes of color breaths to life that moment all over again. The conversations that were occuring, the scenery, the interactions.

It never grows tiring, I always enjoy it. There is always something to be captured. Always something to be observed. Always something to learn and absorb into my soul.

And so begins my journey. First step, purshasing my first SLR.

Mi Familia

This would be my family minus my parents. My siblings and I surprised them for Christmas with this picture of all the kids and their signifcant others and now their grandchild too! 2 are on the way in this photo also :)

So starting from the back left we have Joshua or Joshie as I like to call him, he's the youngest.

Then we have Mark, Markie :), he is the 2nd oldest and the oldest of the brothers..

Next is Gary, he is my oldest sisters husband and they are expecting another in July!

Now we have Aaron, or A-ron, he is the 3rd oldest (2nd oldest broseph)..

Daniel is the 2nd youngest, he's only 16, but he's never looked his age.

Now I am clearly on the front left, I am the middle child of the 7 children and the middle of the Girls

Then we have Sofia, she is Mark's wife, she is from Namibia and they are due at the beginning of April :)

Next is my oldest sissie, Jessica (Jessie), she has her son Carson and one on the way

Beside her is Stephanie, she is Aaron's girlfriend of several years, not exactly sure how long lol..

Last but definitely not least is Jenny, or JenLynn, she is the 5th in line and the youngest of the girls

So here's my current family, but at this rate we are going to expand rapidly. But then again, I guess we haven't ever really been that small of a family.

<3