A journal entry that brought forth reflection...usually it's the opposite ;) please read...
Last Friday, June 11th we woke bright and early and you drove 4 1/2 hours south and I drove 5 hours north with the parentals. The day was perfect. Location did not matter, all I wanted was to be with you, in your presence, spending time together. We could have been in the middle of the desert and I would have been just as excited! It took a little to find you, nerves built, anxiety set in, then, in the middle of the baseball parking lot, there you were! More handsome than ever, and I fell more in love with you. The rest of the details of the day begin to run together in my mind, but we held hands like giddy 13 year olds holding hands with their first boyfriend/girlfriend. I pray we never lose that. We smiled, and laughed, you held me close, you provided for me, I couldn't get enough of your presence-of your love. I was so gluttonous, ha! And as the day came to a close we met up with my parents in the 'Italian District' in St. Louie called The Hill. We all ate dinner, and conversed, but we all knew the time was coming for us to separate again but noone was going to say it. We held hands under the table. For me, I wanted to hold onto every last bit of you that I could up till that final moment.
Time progressed and there we were, two young kids in love, walking along the streetside, awaiting the inevitable. We held hands, we held eachother, you gave me a piggy back ride and I kissed your cheek right by your little mole that I adore. Time to go. It was a great day. I love you sweetheart until next time our paths cross, which who knows, only God!
....Now as I wrote that in my journal, I became convicted...that love that I have for Brett..that anxiousness to spend time with him, where I didn't care where I was or what I was doing, that I just wanted to be in his presence and so desparately spend time with him...I sometimes lose sight of that with the Lord. I sometimes lose sight of that with Brett too though. And once again, God brought me to my knees and I fell more in love with Him. He began through that conviction to re-priortize His place in my life, and for that I am so thankful. I never want to be more in love with anything or anyone more than I am with the Lover and Savior of my soul!!
6.16.2010
5.25.2010
"The Heart Set To Do The Father's Will Need Never Fear Defeat"
This past year has been nothing but a whirlwind and fluctuation of emotions, thoughts, occuring events...but one thing always remains constant, my God. Summer allows for some time to unwind from the rigorous day to day schedule that can be seemingly mundane. Not really sure what I will do without a summer break after I graduate next year, I have had one for the past 17 years of my life...hmm.
I am currently reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot, if you have not already read this book you should (male or female), its grand. Some quotes from the book that perhaps will heighten your level of intrigue...
"If there is an Enemy of Souls (and I have not the slighest doubt that there is), one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man or woman's passions become his battleground...The Lover of Souls does not prevent this....He wants us to learn to use our weapons."
"Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship."
"If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."
hmm more to come
I am currently reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot, if you have not already read this book you should (male or female), its grand. Some quotes from the book that perhaps will heighten your level of intrigue...
"If there is an Enemy of Souls (and I have not the slighest doubt that there is), one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man or woman's passions become his battleground...The Lover of Souls does not prevent this....He wants us to learn to use our weapons."
"Until the will and the affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept, His Lordship."
"If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."
hmm more to come
4.22.2010
Road Map
Many thoughts streaming through my head as I sit at this lifted table against the back window of my school library. With all the rain that we have had, its gorgeous outside. The blinds were basically yelling at me to be opened, I think they wanted to be able to see out just as much as I did....
I kind of want to write about the voice behind the pages of a journal. The essence of journaling. The tangible pages that make up a journal and a lifetime of memories, ideas, pain, struggle, joy....
I kind of want to write about how we go through life from birth till we graduate college (if you so choose that route) with life being programmed for us. Then we get to the end of the road map that's been laid out and we freak out because the next step is no longer chosen for us, we have to choose. But we never learned to choose. We have been told since a wee age to go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, graduate from college...then what? For those that weren't encouraged to graduate from high school or college, I wonder what their thought pattern looks like....
I kind of think that I am hindered due to all of my contemplation. I think every thing out so thoroughly that I am stifled. I see the consequences, I see the benefits, and I sit here and observe everyone else doing life while I am afraid to fail, so I do nothing. However, I am always here for a good word of advice or just to listen because I see and think about everything going on, I just never am the one that does it. Oh geez I just opened up a whole new can of worms...
I kind of want to write about the voice behind the pages of a journal. The essence of journaling. The tangible pages that make up a journal and a lifetime of memories, ideas, pain, struggle, joy....
I kind of want to write about how we go through life from birth till we graduate college (if you so choose that route) with life being programmed for us. Then we get to the end of the road map that's been laid out and we freak out because the next step is no longer chosen for us, we have to choose. But we never learned to choose. We have been told since a wee age to go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, graduate from college...then what? For those that weren't encouraged to graduate from high school or college, I wonder what their thought pattern looks like....
I kind of think that I am hindered due to all of my contemplation. I think every thing out so thoroughly that I am stifled. I see the consequences, I see the benefits, and I sit here and observe everyone else doing life while I am afraid to fail, so I do nothing. However, I am always here for a good word of advice or just to listen because I see and think about everything going on, I just never am the one that does it. Oh geez I just opened up a whole new can of worms...
4.17.2010
Without Ceasing
I read this at starbucks this morning on a little bench enjoying the brisk air and the company of strangers....
"All these were continually united in prayer" (Acts 1:14)
A simple phrase made up of 7 words....with an extremely powerful message. Continually united in prayer. Geez, continually, as in always. United, with fellow believers. Prayer, nonetheless.
That short statement put my flesh in check so fast. I found it to be extremely convicting...
Con-tin-u-al-ly
–adverb
1. very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually.
2. without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.
U-nit-ed
-adjective
1. made into or caused to act as a single entity: a united front.
"All these were continually united in prayer" (Acts 1:14)
A simple phrase made up of 7 words....with an extremely powerful message. Continually united in prayer. Geez, continually, as in always. United, with fellow believers. Prayer, nonetheless.
That short statement put my flesh in check so fast. I found it to be extremely convicting...
Con-tin-u-al-ly
–adverb
1. very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually.
2. without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.
U-nit-ed
-adjective
1. made into or caused to act as a single entity: a united front.
Fake it Till You Make it...?
We live in a world with this mentality of fake it till you make it no matter what the situation. If you don't know what you are doing or if you aren't necessarily the best at something appear like you are until you convince everyone or until you actually become just that good at it.
Right before I crashed in bed the other night, this concept replayed randomly in my mind. I quickly equated it to our walks with the Lord. I was soooo tired though that I repeated it several times in my head, hoping the next day I would wake up and be able to recall it so that I could write this blog. I was too exhausted and too lazy just to type a brief little note in my phone as a reminder, so the repitition and the praying that the Lord would remind me the following day was going to have to do the trick!
Clearly I remembered...even though this is days later.
Basically though, I feel like that same mentality has infiltrated our being and even our walks with the Lord. We fake our walk with the Lord till its believable. This results in a lack of accountability, because to everyone else it looks like we are just where we are supposed to be. Keyword there though, 'looks'. With a little digging one could easily find that these people are broken.
I'll probably expand on this later...but this is getting long.
Right before I crashed in bed the other night, this concept replayed randomly in my mind. I quickly equated it to our walks with the Lord. I was soooo tired though that I repeated it several times in my head, hoping the next day I would wake up and be able to recall it so that I could write this blog. I was too exhausted and too lazy just to type a brief little note in my phone as a reminder, so the repitition and the praying that the Lord would remind me the following day was going to have to do the trick!
Clearly I remembered...even though this is days later.
Basically though, I feel like that same mentality has infiltrated our being and even our walks with the Lord. We fake our walk with the Lord till its believable. This results in a lack of accountability, because to everyone else it looks like we are just where we are supposed to be. Keyword there though, 'looks'. With a little digging one could easily find that these people are broken.
I'll probably expand on this later...but this is getting long.
Narnia
Yesterday was one of those days were every inhale of fresh air felt like new life being breathed into me. It was one of those days were the Lord restored every inkling of my being that had been drained through the course of the semester. I felt like myself. From the moment I rose out of bed, I was in communion with the Lord till the moment when my head finally rested on that pillow again. It was a beautiful day full of conversations about the Lord. Not just the ones that allow you to feel encouraged and complacent but the ones that leave you feeling encouraged and challenged to grow.
Yesterday I drove with a friend down to Peets in Hillcrest. Coffee in a house cup sounded delightful, so that was the initial reason for going, but the result of it ended up being so much greater than just a cup of coffee and an awesome friend to converse with. I got to be myself, ask questions, listen, ask more questions, listen...drink coffee while the moon just barely came out in the dark sky. Loud 'clubbish' sounding music was playing at a nearby restaurant.
There is so much more I felt and thought, but the words are unable to be verbalized. But this verse brings me so much joy...."Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful" John 14:27
The Lord does NOT give to us as the world does, geez, He blows my mind.
Yesterday I drove with a friend down to Peets in Hillcrest. Coffee in a house cup sounded delightful, so that was the initial reason for going, but the result of it ended up being so much greater than just a cup of coffee and an awesome friend to converse with. I got to be myself, ask questions, listen, ask more questions, listen...drink coffee while the moon just barely came out in the dark sky. Loud 'clubbish' sounding music was playing at a nearby restaurant.
There is so much more I felt and thought, but the words are unable to be verbalized. But this verse brings me so much joy...."Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful" John 14:27
The Lord does NOT give to us as the world does, geez, He blows my mind.
4.05.2010
Caught In the Rip Tide
It is so easy to go through the motions of the day. See the same people you always see and let moments of opportunity pass you by. It's that time in the year again where I begin reflecting on months passed by and I start analyzing the good, the bad, and the ugly. I walked into the bathroom this morning. I saw a few girls that reside in the same hall as me. Natural response, "hey, how are you?"...but as I continued my journey to the stall I wanted to ask something deeper, "truly, what's going on in your life?"..."who is someone that has impacted your life, why do you look up to them?"...
I flushed the toilet, left the stall, and did nothing.
And I sit here days later, analyzing my actions and thoughts, and am appaulled by my lack of willingness to be used by God lately. I am such a selfish being, and I am so aware. God makes me so aware and convicts me nearly every time. Where is my head lately? I feel like it's in the clouds just floating along. I feel stifled by the enemy.
I feel like I'm caught in a rip tide that keeps getting pushed further out in the abyss and the shore is slipping out of sight. But then the Lord gives me verses like in James where it says "may the testing of your faith produce endurance. Endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing". Hope.
I flushed the toilet, left the stall, and did nothing.
And I sit here days later, analyzing my actions and thoughts, and am appaulled by my lack of willingness to be used by God lately. I am such a selfish being, and I am so aware. God makes me so aware and convicts me nearly every time. Where is my head lately? I feel like it's in the clouds just floating along. I feel stifled by the enemy.
I feel like I'm caught in a rip tide that keeps getting pushed further out in the abyss and the shore is slipping out of sight. But then the Lord gives me verses like in James where it says "may the testing of your faith produce endurance. Endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing". Hope.
