Many thoughts streaming through my head as I sit at this lifted table against the back window of my school library. With all the rain that we have had, its gorgeous outside. The blinds were basically yelling at me to be opened, I think they wanted to be able to see out just as much as I did....
I kind of want to write about the voice behind the pages of a journal. The essence of journaling. The tangible pages that make up a journal and a lifetime of memories, ideas, pain, struggle, joy....
I kind of want to write about how we go through life from birth till we graduate college (if you so choose that route) with life being programmed for us. Then we get to the end of the road map that's been laid out and we freak out because the next step is no longer chosen for us, we have to choose. But we never learned to choose. We have been told since a wee age to go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, graduate from college...then what? For those that weren't encouraged to graduate from high school or college, I wonder what their thought pattern looks like....
I kind of think that I am hindered due to all of my contemplation. I think every thing out so thoroughly that I am stifled. I see the consequences, I see the benefits, and I sit here and observe everyone else doing life while I am afraid to fail, so I do nothing. However, I am always here for a good word of advice or just to listen because I see and think about everything going on, I just never am the one that does it. Oh geez I just opened up a whole new can of worms...
4.22.2010
4.17.2010
Without Ceasing
I read this at starbucks this morning on a little bench enjoying the brisk air and the company of strangers....
"All these were continually united in prayer" (Acts 1:14)
A simple phrase made up of 7 words....with an extremely powerful message. Continually united in prayer. Geez, continually, as in always. United, with fellow believers. Prayer, nonetheless.
That short statement put my flesh in check so fast. I found it to be extremely convicting...
Con-tin-u-al-ly
–adverb
1. very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually.
2. without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.
U-nit-ed
-adjective
1. made into or caused to act as a single entity: a united front.
"All these were continually united in prayer" (Acts 1:14)
A simple phrase made up of 7 words....with an extremely powerful message. Continually united in prayer. Geez, continually, as in always. United, with fellow believers. Prayer, nonetheless.
That short statement put my flesh in check so fast. I found it to be extremely convicting...
Con-tin-u-al-ly
–adverb
1. very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually.
2. without cessation or intermission; unceasingly; always.
U-nit-ed
-adjective
1. made into or caused to act as a single entity: a united front.
Fake it Till You Make it...?
We live in a world with this mentality of fake it till you make it no matter what the situation. If you don't know what you are doing or if you aren't necessarily the best at something appear like you are until you convince everyone or until you actually become just that good at it.
Right before I crashed in bed the other night, this concept replayed randomly in my mind. I quickly equated it to our walks with the Lord. I was soooo tired though that I repeated it several times in my head, hoping the next day I would wake up and be able to recall it so that I could write this blog. I was too exhausted and too lazy just to type a brief little note in my phone as a reminder, so the repitition and the praying that the Lord would remind me the following day was going to have to do the trick!
Clearly I remembered...even though this is days later.
Basically though, I feel like that same mentality has infiltrated our being and even our walks with the Lord. We fake our walk with the Lord till its believable. This results in a lack of accountability, because to everyone else it looks like we are just where we are supposed to be. Keyword there though, 'looks'. With a little digging one could easily find that these people are broken.
I'll probably expand on this later...but this is getting long.
Right before I crashed in bed the other night, this concept replayed randomly in my mind. I quickly equated it to our walks with the Lord. I was soooo tired though that I repeated it several times in my head, hoping the next day I would wake up and be able to recall it so that I could write this blog. I was too exhausted and too lazy just to type a brief little note in my phone as a reminder, so the repitition and the praying that the Lord would remind me the following day was going to have to do the trick!
Clearly I remembered...even though this is days later.
Basically though, I feel like that same mentality has infiltrated our being and even our walks with the Lord. We fake our walk with the Lord till its believable. This results in a lack of accountability, because to everyone else it looks like we are just where we are supposed to be. Keyword there though, 'looks'. With a little digging one could easily find that these people are broken.
I'll probably expand on this later...but this is getting long.
Narnia
Yesterday was one of those days were every inhale of fresh air felt like new life being breathed into me. It was one of those days were the Lord restored every inkling of my being that had been drained through the course of the semester. I felt like myself. From the moment I rose out of bed, I was in communion with the Lord till the moment when my head finally rested on that pillow again. It was a beautiful day full of conversations about the Lord. Not just the ones that allow you to feel encouraged and complacent but the ones that leave you feeling encouraged and challenged to grow.
Yesterday I drove with a friend down to Peets in Hillcrest. Coffee in a house cup sounded delightful, so that was the initial reason for going, but the result of it ended up being so much greater than just a cup of coffee and an awesome friend to converse with. I got to be myself, ask questions, listen, ask more questions, listen...drink coffee while the moon just barely came out in the dark sky. Loud 'clubbish' sounding music was playing at a nearby restaurant.
There is so much more I felt and thought, but the words are unable to be verbalized. But this verse brings me so much joy...."Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful" John 14:27
The Lord does NOT give to us as the world does, geez, He blows my mind.
Yesterday I drove with a friend down to Peets in Hillcrest. Coffee in a house cup sounded delightful, so that was the initial reason for going, but the result of it ended up being so much greater than just a cup of coffee and an awesome friend to converse with. I got to be myself, ask questions, listen, ask more questions, listen...drink coffee while the moon just barely came out in the dark sky. Loud 'clubbish' sounding music was playing at a nearby restaurant.
There is so much more I felt and thought, but the words are unable to be verbalized. But this verse brings me so much joy...."Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful" John 14:27
The Lord does NOT give to us as the world does, geez, He blows my mind.
4.05.2010
Caught In the Rip Tide
It is so easy to go through the motions of the day. See the same people you always see and let moments of opportunity pass you by. It's that time in the year again where I begin reflecting on months passed by and I start analyzing the good, the bad, and the ugly. I walked into the bathroom this morning. I saw a few girls that reside in the same hall as me. Natural response, "hey, how are you?"...but as I continued my journey to the stall I wanted to ask something deeper, "truly, what's going on in your life?"..."who is someone that has impacted your life, why do you look up to them?"...
I flushed the toilet, left the stall, and did nothing.
And I sit here days later, analyzing my actions and thoughts, and am appaulled by my lack of willingness to be used by God lately. I am such a selfish being, and I am so aware. God makes me so aware and convicts me nearly every time. Where is my head lately? I feel like it's in the clouds just floating along. I feel stifled by the enemy.
I feel like I'm caught in a rip tide that keeps getting pushed further out in the abyss and the shore is slipping out of sight. But then the Lord gives me verses like in James where it says "may the testing of your faith produce endurance. Endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing". Hope.
I flushed the toilet, left the stall, and did nothing.
And I sit here days later, analyzing my actions and thoughts, and am appaulled by my lack of willingness to be used by God lately. I am such a selfish being, and I am so aware. God makes me so aware and convicts me nearly every time. Where is my head lately? I feel like it's in the clouds just floating along. I feel stifled by the enemy.
I feel like I'm caught in a rip tide that keeps getting pushed further out in the abyss and the shore is slipping out of sight. But then the Lord gives me verses like in James where it says "may the testing of your faith produce endurance. Endurance must do its complete work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing". Hope.
Soapbox.
I wrote this note in my phone, and I don't feel like further expanding on the idea for the time being. So here the note is...in a very raw form...
Compartmentalizing God for the sake of the human finite mind to attempt to comprehend God's greatness. But when searching for answers and proofs don't we take away the mystery of who God is? When we reason things out it takes less faith to believe. Why in the world would we want reason and logic over faith and mystery? That in itself seems illogical. Debates over Armeniansism verse Calvinism drive me crazy. Yes study God's greatness, He is truly amazing. But don't put God in a small box restricted by the confines and limitedness of our minds and understanding.
That is all.
Compartmentalizing God for the sake of the human finite mind to attempt to comprehend God's greatness. But when searching for answers and proofs don't we take away the mystery of who God is? When we reason things out it takes less faith to believe. Why in the world would we want reason and logic over faith and mystery? That in itself seems illogical. Debates over Armeniansism verse Calvinism drive me crazy. Yes study God's greatness, He is truly amazing. But don't put God in a small box restricted by the confines and limitedness of our minds and understanding.
That is all.
Summer 2010 Style
1. Read lots of books
2. Learn how to cook
3. Work a lot/save a lot
4. Spend time with Josh and Daniel
5. Write
6. Have good convos with as many ppl as God has me encounter
7. Discover a new depth in my relationship with the Lord
8. Try to get a camera and get that ball rolling
9. Look for new hobbies
2. Learn how to cook
3. Work a lot/save a lot
4. Spend time with Josh and Daniel
5. Write
6. Have good convos with as many ppl as God has me encounter
7. Discover a new depth in my relationship with the Lord
8. Try to get a camera and get that ball rolling
9. Look for new hobbies
Part 2: All 'A' Honor Roll
Where has this all left me today?
Thankful for the Lord and His enlightenment.
It's a weird thing to go from being extremely task oriented to realizing you have options and knowing that you will be loved no matter what. I knew the Lord loved me regardless, and I am so thankful for that, but that verse about not doing work for man's approval or for this world, I suppose that didn't fully sink in.
I am experiencing a freedom like I have never felt. But with that, I am just now taking on hobbies that aren't just working my butt off through being a work-a-holic.
I am 22. I have no hobbies other than photography and reading. I don't even have a camera because it scares me to spend that much money when I have so many loans. I hadn't ridden a bike since I was 12 probably until this past year. I haven't enjoyed being in water since I was 12ish or so.
So here I am...with a plethora of options in front of me, all of which, Im eagerly and anxiously wanting to explore.
Thankful for the Lord and His enlightenment.
It's a weird thing to go from being extremely task oriented to realizing you have options and knowing that you will be loved no matter what. I knew the Lord loved me regardless, and I am so thankful for that, but that verse about not doing work for man's approval or for this world, I suppose that didn't fully sink in.
I am experiencing a freedom like I have never felt. But with that, I am just now taking on hobbies that aren't just working my butt off through being a work-a-holic.
I am 22. I have no hobbies other than photography and reading. I don't even have a camera because it scares me to spend that much money when I have so many loans. I hadn't ridden a bike since I was 12 probably until this past year. I haven't enjoyed being in water since I was 12ish or so.
So here I am...with a plethora of options in front of me, all of which, Im eagerly and anxiously wanting to explore.
Part 1: All 'A' Honor Roll
My 'world' began unraveling day one of my San Diego adventure that started August of 2008. Everything I put stock and found value in that was not from God has slowly been revealed to me throughout the past 2 years. It has rocked me.
A little preface. Growing up in a family of 7 children is a blessing, but it's a tough road. When I was little getting my parents approval and attention equaled love in my eyes. What was my avenue of achieving such love (please note I said 'achieve love')?? I got attention through accomplishing things. I was naturally pretty good at school, so academics seemed to be the obvious choice. I worked my butt off when I was in 2nd grade to get that little lamented gold card that said "all A honor roll" which meant I got a free ice cream in the cafeteria. It also gave me bragging rights at home. I got all the attention I could ever dream of when I was successful, or at least that's how I conditioned myself.
Almost 2 decades down the road I was introduced to the concept of love without works. This may throw some of you, I did in fact receive the Lord as my Savior when I was 8. I suppose I never made the connection that people were even remotely capable of that unconditional kind of love that came without works.
A little preface. Growing up in a family of 7 children is a blessing, but it's a tough road. When I was little getting my parents approval and attention equaled love in my eyes. What was my avenue of achieving such love (please note I said 'achieve love')?? I got attention through accomplishing things. I was naturally pretty good at school, so academics seemed to be the obvious choice. I worked my butt off when I was in 2nd grade to get that little lamented gold card that said "all A honor roll" which meant I got a free ice cream in the cafeteria. It also gave me bragging rights at home. I got all the attention I could ever dream of when I was successful, or at least that's how I conditioned myself.
Almost 2 decades down the road I was introduced to the concept of love without works. This may throw some of you, I did in fact receive the Lord as my Savior when I was 8. I suppose I never made the connection that people were even remotely capable of that unconditional kind of love that came without works.
