3 Days and Counting

Everytime I leave my current routine for several days-weeks a lot of change results. Lately I've been wondering why that is and I had come up with various theories that seemed to make logical sense.

Then yesterday at church the pastor was talking about the verse that says, "Be still and know that I am God". Then I thought about all the verses that speak of waking in the morning before the day begins (the busyness) and spending time with the Lord. I also realized the times where I really meet with God are the times I escape and I am just still before the Lord in the peace and stillness of a place.

I realized through all of that what God was telling me but He confirmed through others, times away from the routine allow for more intimate encounters with God.

Now I have to learn how to make those escapes apart of the routine. Until then, 3 days and counting

.home.

Life Through a Lense

At one point...in the not too distant past, I was afraid that I did not have any passions or a passion for that matter! I have come to discover otherwise...

I am passionate about the Lord,
     helping others along the way,
          working hard,
              photography,
                  people in general,
              coffee,
          learning by observing,
     music (even though I have no musical ability)...
the random list continues.

I guess I bought into the lie that a passion has to be something distinct and obvious. For example, someone who is passionate about playing the piano. That passion is very clear and distinguishable. Mine on the other hand are vague, but I see it as opportunity to explore!

Home is Where My Heart Is

I got off the phone today with Lindsey and I am so pumped for Christmas break, it's going to be a memorable one!! Leigh is flying in from New York, Caleb is coming in town from Virginia, Kyle will be in town from Nashville...and then family, Lindsey, Crystal, Reese, Jordan, Joel, Brandon, and Joseph, and whoever else I am missing are already there. Yipee!!!

Christmas break is going to consist of...
-Catching up with old amazing friends
-Sleepovers with Jenny
-Coffee dates galore
-Christmas and New Years Parties
-Lots of baking
-Working out
-Reflection time on the past 4 1/2 months
-Find areas that need to grow and then start growing
-Finding my summer internship
-Escaping
-Picture madness
-LOTS of love...oh goodness, home.

11 more days I have to pump out and then 3 weeks of freedom!!! Praise the Lord for breaks from the ordinary routine.

matching dresses for our christmas party, naturally (:

long lost buddies...soon to be reunited!!

leigh!!! my loveeee

my favorite roommate ever...we walk through life together. <3

i can't find a family photo, we need one of everyone including sofia, gary, and carson...anyway, it would go HERE!!

<3 me, <3 YOU!

Always

These are the scars deep in your heart
this is the place you were born
this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out
from the places you've been torn

and it is always yours
but I am always yours

-always-switchfoot

.we will always have our past, but Christ is always our future.

Nookie Nook

So I found this little 'nook'-my sitting place at the end of upper west the other day. I broke my computer so now I can't use internet in there...my plug in won't work, oops. The other day though, I discovered this lovely little corner right by the staircase that conveniently has wifi...which is where I am currently residing.

I love this place (especially now with the christmas lights up and NO flourescents). No one likes flourescents, I don't know why they are used other than expense purposes. Anyway, I like this spot because I can see the entire hall and the entirety of its beauty. It has also already led to many great conversations that otherwise would not have taken place.

I think I shall get a cushion or chair...I think I shall reside here often. Too many great things have already occured to do otherwise!

God's glory can shine through the most random of places, like my little nook at the top of the stairs.

Overwhelmed with Gratefulness

I've discovered a kind of love that I never knew could truly exist among people.

I sat in bed completely exhausted, but incapable of going to sleep because I was so overwhelmed by how amazing it feels to be loved unconditionally. Maybe I have experienced it in the human form in previous relationships but was just unaware...regardless, I was left stirring in bed, overcome with gratefulness.

God's been showing me what it means to love regardless of faults and without conditions. There is this immense amount of freedom in receiving that kind of love. There is also this urgency to pour out that same kind of love to others! I'm astounded by the way God provides people in our lives to teach us some of His most important lessons...

(I initially said 'most important lessons'-but are any of His lessons more heavily weighted than others....?)

Exploit

Today in Marketing and Communication teams presented an 'inappropriate' commercial and stated how it could have been redone with a Christian worldview. Being the only girl in the class it made me feel a tad uncomfortable, which is an understatement. However, it was interesting to see which groups chose what commercials. Some chose ones that were just purely funny and pushing the line of inappropriate, others chose down right raunchy.

I hate that media exploits a God-given natural desire. We kind of touched briefly on this in leadership class yesterday. We have learned since a young age that sex=bad. So we associate those who have sex before marriage with being bad, which is judgement. Media and the world have turned something that was so beautifully and intricately designed into something that is ungodly, erotic, and taken SO far out of its original context.

Why does television, movies, computers, etc take advantage of a God given desire by exploiting way past its intended purpose? This is a rhetorical question....answers would probably frustrate me further..

Guilty As Charged

This article is where I am at. I am a people pleaser and when I lose perspective I do it out of my own selfish ambitions rather than to bring God glory.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/deeper-walk/blog/1412-confessions-of-a-people-pleaser

At the end of the day I want to be able to ask myself, "have I done God's work?"

Link No Longer

P.S. I removed this from being linked with my facebook account for a few key reasons.

1. I blog a lot less when the potential audience that will be reached is anyone and everyone.

2. Selectivity gives me comfort for the time being.

God Moves When i Am Still

Constantly discontent, always looking for ways to improve, but for what purpose? To bring God glory, myself, to please others?

I so deeply desire certain things for different aspects of life. I think God deeply rooted those desires in my heart. So why then do I currently find myself analyzing my expectations and comparing them to reality and I have fallen short. I'm frustrated with where I am at. I yearn so deeply for God to move and be prevalent but sometimes I forget to give Him control. I forget to free up my 'busyness' so that He can move through me.

Currently my expectations have been thrown out the window and trampled on. God moves when I am still. This is a good place to be. I am ready, beyond ready, for Him to move.

Reflections of Time

When I near the end of something, I always have thoughts about how I could have done something better. Right now, I am figuring out ways I can be more influential with the time I have been given. I spend way too much time on selfish things that only benefit myself, time to step it up!

Christmas break will serve as a time of reflection. Any type of 'vacation' always allows for me to figure things out. Stepping away from the constant day to day schedule is a big deal for me. Life changing decisions or life altering decisions are always made when I get some time away from the norm.

Why? The routine is no longer there. Time is no longer filled and I can use the time I am given to my liking. More consistant and longer periods of time with God typically result...which is always going to result in some kind of life change.

Heard an interesting quote yesterday that I am not going to get exactly right but it went something along the lines of 'what if we stopped trying to apply the bible to our lives and we are started applying our lives to the bible'...

Tainted

Still processing, probably always will be, so this might not be a complete thought.

Too much of a good thing is no longer good-it's tainted.

I'm a perfectionist, and right now I'm over it.

I Miss...

Trees...hiking...caving

Carson...my nephew...so expressive

Christmas=family

Crys and Reese...they're amazing.

Linds...you're such a blessing to me.

Sissys and momma

Amazing family.

.God is soooo good.

Grand Scheme of Life

...I try to keep this 'grand scheme of life' perspective. You probably haven't heard of it...I think I just made it up. Basically, little things seem like SUCH a big deal until you consider the grand scheme of life and all the time it encompasses. Example...failing a test. Seems devastating for a second, but when I keep this perspective of my whole life, it's really not that big of a deal. Nor does it have anything to do with God's kingdom.

I don't know, it helps me a lot, I hope it helps others!
<3 me

What Did You Read?

Most kids grew up reading books like 'Amelia Bedelia' and Dr. Seuss-my dad had me reading 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' and 'Rich Dad Poor Dad'.

Hmmm

The Flesh

Fighting the flesh is such a constant struggle, but it makes me appreciate God's grace that much more. So often it is easy to go about the day and do what I want or need to do. Then I remember how God has called me to live, not for myself but for Him-to bring Him glory. Often I want to react to situations in my flesh, get mad, condemn the person, but how is that living in the image of Christ?

That is when God stops me, shuts me up, and tells me to spend some time with Him before I continue with my stupidity and fleshliness.

Another aspect of this though...it kills me when I hear people use their flesh/sin nature as an excuse. God has called us to a HIGHER standard of living. Yes, we are going to mess up, we aren't perfect. BUT repetitive sins are no longer a slip up, it's something more deeply engrained. There should be some level of improvement...

This all spurred from Gal 5-Lord I pray that this day wouldn't be lived for my benefit but for Yours.

Hm..

would you go to class without your books?...

so why do you go to church/chapel without your bible?

hmmm...

All Things Lovely

I wish the concept of 'you can do anything you put your mind to' would stick for people.

We are only defeated by our own insecurities and way of thinking.

It even says in Philippians that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

People need to start realizing that they can do ALL things.

Stop being so defeated.

Go out and accomplish all that you have ever wanted.

And do it for the Glory of God!

That is all I have to say right now.

If You Love-Do.

I've come to the realization that many people don't succeed because of their mindsets. It seems like everything else is in place but that. God focused-check. Right heart-check. Passion-check. Previously to me that would have sounded like a perfect recipe for success, false. After many conversations with various people I have noticed a trend. People desire to achieve something so badly but yet in the back of their mind they have already been defeated. They think of the endless possibilities where not succeeding could occur = defeat.

If you love something, go after it! What in the world is stopping you? Either A. stop talking about how you wish you could do this/that but you feel like you can't or B. start doing something, like believing in yourself. I've always been taught that if I want something bad enough and work hard enough, I can get it and nothing can get in my way. I wish everyone felt so empowered. (stipulations of course-morals and listening to God's will, but I kind of feel like that is a 'duh')

If you want something, go get it!! If you love music, do something with it. If you love teaching, be the best teacher you can be! If you desire to see change, BE that change!!

'Whatever you do, do enthusiastically as something done for the Lord.' Col. 2:23

People and their Poodles

I made a little journey over to Barnes & Noble after a much delayed departure from school for various reasons. My car wouldn't start, a supposed cancelled meeting wasn't cancelled, I needed to borrow someone else's car, and then I finally made it!

This blog could be about driving someone else's car, or about a dog and it's owner that looked identical (which was probably the closest resemblance I have ever seen-quite comical), or about the process of finding a book; instead, I shall write about finding the perfect journal.

I love to journal. I have journals for various different subject matters of life, but my main one is the one that was full and needed its replacement. Finding a new journal is a tedious process for me. It's just a pretty cover with empty pages to some, but to me it's the written thoughts and emotions of life. When I go back and re-read my journal those experiences in life are able to be relived in my mind.

Did I want leather or standard hardback? Colorful or classic? Empty or lined pages? Something artsy or something plain? And then after all of those decisions were somewhat made I had to consider price. How much am I willing to pay? Then I realized I would pay whatever it cost for my favorite one. Why? Well, I decided that it's a book that will stay with me for my lifetime hopefully. It's a book that is going to be filled with a few years of my life in grave detail that I would have otherwise forgotten had it not been written down. I'll pay, it's worth it.

What seemed like hours of contemplating before a decision was made was actually about 8 minutes. I considered using this process of selecting the 'perfect' journal as an illustration for something more significant, but I'll let your mind determine what that significant thing might be.

Look Past the Mundane

Sometimes when I'm sitting and just observing life and the people that reside within it I notice random little things.

I was sitting in class today listening to the typical college lecture class that just consists of the professor reading notes from a powerpoint-I think it is safe to assume that everyone has had this kind of teacher or professor at one point in their school career.

Anyway, as I sat there, bored, I am wondering if that professor is happy. Is this what she saw herself doing 25 years ago when she was graduating from college? Is this the kind of professor she wanted to amount to? Where does she find joy in life? She comes to class, reads the slides of the powerpoints, we all take notes (or we are supposed to), and then we leave. Never is there interaction, never is there a hightened tone of voice that would display even the slightest bit of passion for the subject she expects us to learn.

The point of this is not to rail on some teacher that perhaps lost the passion she once had, the point is, I constantly want to know these things about people. I desire to know why people are the way they are. Why passion has been lost. Why they seem so happy or gloomy. Why they feel the need to come off so overly confident but inside they just want to be known and understood. People are so intriguing, we are all designed so differently, and we have all been through so many various situations in life that shape who we are and who we can potentially become.

I choose to see the potential in everyone. I think ANYONE has potential to grow, to do great things, they just need someone to take the time to assist them along the way. I like to be that person. I'm not necessarily more qualified than the next individual, but it's a passion God has deeply instilled in my heart and with Him and His wisdom hopefully I can help some people along the way.

The Little Uncertainties

The question marks in life, the little uncertainties of the future...those things drive me crazy. Some would say I'm a control freak, I say freak is a little harsh, I just like to have a plan if a plan is possible. Of course there are going to be those moments in life that catch me off guard and I have to react quickly but wisely-however, for those that can be planned, I choose to do so.

If I've learned nothing else in the past year and a half I have come to realize that I know who I am and I'm beginning to recognize the strengths God has gifted me with. I know who I want to be, and through Christ I can do all things.

I'm a 21 year old child of God that has a purpose and is daily seeking to reach it. If God uses me to help one person a day, a purpose for my existence that day has been fulfilled. I've learned so much in this past year of being away from my family about God, appreciation for things that I daily take for granted, about myself and who I want to become.

God is so good-I pray that I am always thankful, regardless of location, finances, and all the other frivolous things that I have a tendency to needlessly worry about.
<3

.L.I.F.E.

...I'm learning...

.I am only defeated by the limitations of my mind.

.::My time with God must increase for my influence to increase::.

.Selfishness and being 'off' is almost always the result of a lack of time with God.

.::I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. No really, ALL things!::.

.The work less play more mentality frustrates me to no end.

.::People deeply desire to be known, heard, and understood::.

.People relate to eachother through hardships and inconveniences in life-facebook status' that receive the most comments, fml, fail blog, etc are all proofs.

.::Everyone has a story. Everyone has a reason for being the way they are. Listen to it. Love::.

Innovative Way of Thinking

Interesthing thoughts to consider..

-People crave meaning, people want to be apart of something.

         .Seth Godin.

-Who are you upsetting? Who are you connecting? Who are you leading?

         .Seth Godin.

-You don't need permission to lead. Leaders challenge the status quo, they connect people, they commit.

         .Seth Godin.

Suggested sites:  www.ted.com, www.sethgodin.typepad.com, www.harvardbusines.org

This is going to be long.

I haven't done this in a while, minus my most recent blog, for various reasons. The main being that I'm not a huge fan of putting my 'stuff' out there for others to read, consider, analyze, and more than likely judge. There's something very scary about that to me. It is so much easier to live within these safe confines (walls) of who I am without ever letting others in.


My whole life I have been raised to be self-sufficient, independent, unemotional, to always put my best foot forward, and always have it all together. Whether these were cultural expectations (growing up in the South), expectations from my parents, or just purely expectations I placed on myself, regardless of the origin, these are all lies/expectations that I have learned to tip toe within for 20ish or so years.


To talk through all those various characteristics listed above would take quite some time. Short version, I'm beginning to realize how those characteristics are negative when they are at such an extreme and the affect they have on me and everyone else I come in contact with.


Truth be told, I don't know how to need others. Sounds basic, right? Well...not for me, it's an endless battle that defeats me more often than not.


Unemotional-I'm a girl, I am SUPPOSED to be emotional, it's HEALTHY to be emotional. I know all of this as head knowledge, but my heart hasn't grasped it. I don't know what it means to truly let tears run down my face...I always hold mine back. Once again, for various reasons that would take too long to explain and to be perfectly honest, I would rather not publicize that story.


Putting my best foot forward-even if you don't have your crap together, act like it. That whole 'fake it till you make it' thought process, you trekking with me? Good. Lets start with surface, actually that's all this concept is, is surface level...anyway I will continue...from hair, to make up, to clothing-it's all so pretty. So pretty, just like a perfectly wrapped gift with a beautiful little ribbon to tie it all together (unintentional pun, still funny though). Point is, I learned how to put on a face and appear to have it all together, but inside my soul yearned to be discovered. I wanted to be known, truly known and understood by people, not just by my Father.


I still am very good at putting up this front of all these things. I see them as strengths most days, but if abused by taken to their extreme they can most definitely be weaknesses. They end up being these barriers that are impossible to overcome unless I chooose to let you. I do this to this day, the difference, I am aware of it. The other difference, I don't want to be the negative extreme anymore and by the grace and strength of God I will perservere. He will break down all of these walls and the enemy will no longer have me in bondage. I'm battling, but God's on my side and when I take rest in that-the light at the end of the tunnel is almost within grasp.


I will overcome-but through Him.
2 Cor. 12:9-10


<3

It begins with a hug..

Two people embracing for a split second in the grand spectrum of time, but that one touch can potentially make or break someone's day. A hug is a physical reassurance that someone else actually cares about you. Perhaps you aren't actually dealing with anything in particular, well that's a false statement, we are ALWAYS dealing with things...some days we are just better at supressing it than others. Some days our crap surfaces, and when it does, those are the days when a hug is much more than a friendly greeting with a close friend. Those are the days that a hug can be a phsyical representation of support, a shoulder to lean on...Jesus taking on human form.

I am called as a Christian to be daily living my life like Christ and for His ultimate glory. If giving someone something so small as a hug is one form that God can use me to bless someone's life, that's awesome. It is so easy, so effortless, yet it goes so under-appreciated on most accounts.

This brings me to think of all of the other small ways God uses me to bless lives but on most occasions it goes unnoticed. I forget to thank God for using me, even in the smallest ways. I forget to notice that I was willing to allow God to use me-that I was obedient.

Addicted to a Feeling

So...as of today I would have gone a week without coffee, but Brett and I made a deal that after a week I was able to get one and then I had to wait a while before I could get another. Basically, the weaning process.

Anyway, through this process I've noticed some key things. Half of the time when I walk into the coffee shop nothing sounds good and I can't choose. I always found this to be odd because my friends and family know me as the girl that loves coffee and coffee shops. It's all coming together now....the draw is more of the 2nd and not the 1st.

I got coffee today and it wasn't as good as I remember. I like the things that come WITH coffee, not the coffee itself...or so it seems. Good conversations, ambiance, warmth, friends, and fun memories....that's what keeps me going back. A coffee shop is the place where I meet a friend or friends to talk about life, God, expectations, how much things have changed....we laugh a little, we may cry a little....that's what keeps me going back; the memories and feelings tied to coffee, not the coffee itself.

I wonder what else in life I do that with...

I think I do that with the idea of 'home'. I like to go home to Arkansas because of the feelings and memories, whether it's Arkansas that I really like or not. I keep going back for the feel good....

P.S.

Reading old journal entries is pretty telling of where my relationship with God is at the current time. Either I would directly state where it was...or based on what my topics of conversation where, it is so incredibly evident...and CONVICTING, nonetheless.

Ha, they are great to read because it is so clear that when I'm having a bad attitude, lacking patience, or frustrated about something...I can nearly guarantee my relationship with the Lord is inconsistent or non existent that day or week.

I need to keep going back and reading them...they are a good reminder of where I am versus where I should be....

I have a lot to work on.
But I like that.

P.S. i never realized how introverted i really am until this summer, i kind of like the peace of being who i am rather than who i feel like i need to be. it's very freeing.

Forgiven and Free

So much of life is going through situations then a few years down the road really processing what happened, how it shaped you, what thinking has changed because of that circumstance.

I'm starting to realize all the things about myself that I project or say, that are so FAR from the truth and who I really am all for the sake of guarding myself. I think what spurred this specifically today is that I'm beginning to realize how much I don't like constant adjusting, which results from change. I always say I love change, I think I do to an extent, but I'm tired of the constant adjusting in my life right now....

Release

I don't really know anyone that does....but I really hate when my dirt, you know my issues, start to surface. It seems like one day after the next things just keep coming up that make me realize how weak I am in so many areas that I need to give to God. It's good in a way...but it makes everyday that much harder to get through without dependance on Him. The obvious answer is to run to the Lord, but the underlying problem is that I don't like for others (including the Lord) to see my 'junk'. That's pride...I'm aware, which is exactly what I was talking about above...meaning my dirt that I need to give to God.

Day in and day out, I am getting my butt kicked with life lessons. Most days I can handle it, today isn't one of those days...I've recently been learning that telling people your weaknesses, struggles, hurts, is a way to allow people in to develop a deeper relationship with you...for some reason I never knew that. Why would you want to talk about that stuff? It still doesn't exactly make sense to me...but I'm working on it, because evidently it is necessary to develop healthy relationships.

I think the underlying reason to me not ever airing out my stuff to friends is that I have an issue with, well, 1. trust and 2. feeling like I'm burdening people.

That's a mindset I've had for 21 years and it is going to take a LONG while to work through... I apologize if I always come off as so strong, accomplished, confident, or whatever else I put off. Fact of the matter is, I'm just like everyone else...weak, self-conscious, emotional...blah blah blah....all those things I would rather not talk about. Don't ever think that I'm not hurting just because I hide it better than most....fact of the matter is, everyone needs people to understand what they are going through. (Even the ones that act like they don't)

Arkansas Storms

Typical Arkansas sunset/sky.....
Neither of these photos have been edited or altered in anyway....this was the sky last night in Arkansas. Praise the Lord for reminders of His goodness and creation.

Live for Eternity

So this little bloggie is about what my pastor, Ronnie Floyd, talked about in church today. It is far too impactful, and motivating not to be shared. A lot of thoughts are swirling through my head and I have only begun to categorize and understand them...so instead of this being my thoughts, it will be his. I hope they challenge and bless you as much as they did me, because that's the only reason I'm writing this...to tweek your way of thinking, to challenge, motivate, and eventually, spur a change! Or at least that's my hope. :)

2 Timothy 4:6-8 is what passage his sermon was based on.

I'm just going to give the key phrases...and leave the discussion portion of it out...

• Live for eternity by GIVING (of yourself)
• Phil. 1:21 "Living is Christ and dying is gain"
• Are you pouring your life out for Jesus Christ? Or for everything in the world that carries no weight? (sports, recreation, careers) You can pour your life out for Christ, and let those be the avenue, but they can't CONSUME who you are.
• "With all that I am & with all that I've had, I have served the Lord!" (that's what Paul was saying in 2 Tim. 4:7)
• All rewards we receive are "in the future" (vs. 8) meaning HEAVEN not earth.
• Earthly rewards burn and die when we do, but heavenly rewards last for an ETERNITY
• At the judgement seat we will be judged on what we did for Christ while on earth and our motive for doing it.
• Focusing on Jesus' future coming will determine your behavior now and your rewards in Heaven.
• LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH AN ETERNAL PERSPECTIVE-->meaning live your life daily like the Lord is coming back that day. We will be quicker to love, slower to argue, be more intentional with every word and action....Paul lived with an eternal perspective. He valued things that were eternal, invested in what is eternal..and not the frivolous things of this earth.
• How would you alter today knowing God is coming tomorrow?
• Why are we SO in love/intrigued by this world? (And live like the world)
• Too often people say that they made a sacrifice, this huge sacrifice, to go and serve the Lord, or because God called them somewhere and they followed resulting in 'sacrifice'. But who made the ULTIMATE sacrifice? Certainly not us....it was God, who gave His perfect son to die for the world so that we may have eternal salvation.

My perspective was slapped back into place today by this message...."Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me".

Yesterday....

Yesterday was an incredible day; granted I worked for a pretty long time on my feet, but the conversations yesterday were irreplaceable. Just a little preface....lately I have been struggling a lot with contrasting and overanalyzing california to arkansas, and what that means personally and relationally for me. That's a pretty selfish statement. It was all about "I" and "me"...but yes, that's what has been going through my head for the past month of being home.

Yesterday, though, those world's collided in such a beautifully orchestrated way that could have only been a gift from God. From mid-afternoon at work all the way to midnight last night God was the topic of conversation. What He's doing in our lives? How we are changing and growing...things we are beginning to realize.

Yesterday was a tad bit of a bump on the forehead, but in a good way. I realized how often I'm guilty of living my life for myself and not my creator. I realized how often I get so excited about things of this world (putt putt, hiking, coffee dates) but sometimes I find myself not having that same excitement or appreciation for our Creator. How ridiculous does it sound to appreciate the art but not the artist? He created the art for us to enjoy. How crazy does it sound to appreciate and love the music but not the musician? He created the music for us to enjoy. There's a disconnect there in our thinking. We get pumped about concerts, playing video games, going to razorback football games and calling those hogs. God created, ultimately, ALL of those things for our pleasure. Why can't/don't we have that same excitement for the Lord?

I'll tell you this. I want to! I do some days...but those other ones, those ones that are all about me, those are the days that I need to call on the name of the Lord and REJOICE in Him through all trials and tribulations. The Lord is so0o incredibly good, and we are so, so fallen....but He redeemed that sin at the cross!!

Praise God, thank you Lord for yesterday. It was an incredible breath of fresh air that I have desired so deeply for the past month, but lost touch on how to ask for it. God I pray that you restore my soul, ignite that passion and fire for you. Show me what it truly means to be selfless and serve out of love for others.

I am constantly a work in progress. I feel like I'm not the same person that I was 1 year ago, 6 months ago, or even a few weeks ago. I keep asking for God to mold, shape, and use me for His glory. I am not on this earth for self-gratification...I spent the last 20 years of my life wasting away living that lifestyle. I yearn to know the Lord, I yearn to see people grow and reach a higher potential, I yearn to never stop retaining knowledge and to never stop learning to view things from a new perspective.

"Chains be broken, lives be healed...eyes be opened, Christ is revealed!!!"

Hit Me with Your Best Shot...actually don't please?!

Too many life lessons are hitting me at the same time, and I don't have time to catch my breath inbetween. Another hits before I even have time to fully grasp the previous one...

That's all I have to say. I'm whiney right now.

Plant, Build, Difference. CHANGE.

I am pretty pumped about summer camp that is coming up in about 3 weeks now. My initial thoughts were pretty skeptical...too often you see students go, get on this spiritual high, but there is no real heart or lifestyle change. I get dissappointed everytime that happens...I just want to see them TRULY desire God's heart!!

Then I remembered how many students really do change, their hearts, their lifestyle, their habits....and it sticks. The Holy Spirit begins to dwell in their hearts, and starts to overtake their sinfulness. We are all guilty of sin, we are all ALWAYS going to be guilty of sin (Rom. 3:23). If just 1 students life is changed and they desire to bring God glory through their words, actions, thoughts....that's enough to make it worth going. Planting a seed is worth going. Even if their is no initial change, perhaps, I or some other leader will be used by God to plant a seed in that student. Some other Pastor or student, or whoever, will water that seed that begins the growth. Then change occurs.

My initial thoughts were selfish...and not of God, that's for sure. I am going...to plant a seed. I am going...to build relationships. I am going...to be used by God to make a difference in students lives. Why don't I go into every day with that mindset? If that's not convicting then I don't know what is. Why do I open myself up to be used at camp but not every single day? I am not saying that I shut down opportunities when they arise...however, I most certainly don't live every day for the Lord, for others, to show christ-like love....

Plant a seed. Build relationships. Make a difference. BE the change.

"Marriage is Designed to Make Us Holy More Than Happy"

So my mom is reading this book in her bible study group called 'Sacred Marriage' and she has said nothing but great things about the book. I decided I wanted to read it after hearing so many potentially life changing ideas.

The key idea is that 'God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy'. I'm guilty of buying into the televised, movie, book, and other forms of media version of love and marriage. You know the romance, the fairytale, the chase. Not that those things are completely incapable of occuring, I'm not saying that at all, they most definitely can..

I'm saying that if we go into marriage with the idea of it being a form of ministry where we love, grow, challenge someone all for the glory of God knowing that humans are fallen beings and that husband, or that wife, is incapable of perfection and making you completely happy, won't we be so much better off? Won't our future marriages scream to the world a model of christ-like love, forgiveness, selflessness, servanthood (and so many other elements)...like they are designed to?

People naturally better themselves or hold themselves to a higher standard when they are trying to 'impress' someone. Well same goes for relationships and marriage...when you want to see your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife grow and discover some of their potential, you yourself have to first incur growth so they are motivated. Also, so they don't see you as hypocritical and expecting something out of them that you yourself are not doing. (which takes knowing yourself)

Anyway just some thoughts that I was pretty excited about, that are already teaching me a whole new way of thinking. More to come on the book, I'm sure!

Hm..

I think that naturally as humans we learn to adapt to our given environment. I also think that growing up as the middle child of 7 I have learned to near master this skill of adaptation. However, now I am left thinking which parts of me are the 'adapted' parts of my personality or skills that I do, and what actually comes natural for me.

Not really positive why this popped into my head, but I am beginning to realize that my detail-orientedness is an adapted skill that I can do well, however it is definitely not my favorite. And...I have a tendency to try to find the shorter route, because I think I will get the same result. Which in some cases may be true, but in others, not so much and it results in a hand slap.

Another is being clean and neat. I can be, because I know it needs to be done, but it definitely isn't a priority to me.

My priorities as of now consist of God, people (family, friends, random people at places I frequently visit that I just haven't met yet), challenges, music, writing, trying to better myself so I can better others. I'm sure there are more, but these are things I love. These are things I know and enjoy. Everything else is just an adaption to my environment.

Sometimes I feel like my adaptions are viewed as strengths (which maybe they are) but definitely not what I truly enjoy. I think I do that to other people too. Assume that just because someone is 'good' at something, doesn't mean they enjoy it.

Some of my "Before I Die"s....

*Raise god-fearing children
*Marry a man that will make me holy, not happy (happiness comes w/ holiness though...)
*Write a book
*Invest in as many lives as possible
*Live in another country for 1+ year(s) serving others, not buying into the 'american dream' of working to earn money, to buy things I could probably live without (repeat cycle)...
*Travel to Israel, Italy, Namibia..
*Learn to surf (well)
*Ride a horse on the beach
*See San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago
*Be self-employed
*Break my coffee addiction
*My love for knowledge and wisdom from others will only increase
*Put all self-made/friend-made etc photography/artwork in my house
*Never work a job I hate just bc of the income
*Learn to have lifelong friendships instead of seasonal

All of My Friends are Musicians

I have just recently begun an endless journey of discovering my passion(s)...

I'm passionate about God
people
I love to write
I thrive off of a good challenge
I like change (because it's a challenge)....

A good friend challenged me to view myself from 30,000 feet away, basically view myself from the perspective of a general spectator or a friend. I never realized the complexity of attempting to view yourself from everyone else's perception. Attempting is a key word in that previous sentence because I believe this tool takes a great deal of time to acquire, at least that is the case for me.

I realized when I started to view myself from the perception of others, that my personality/strengths/etc contrasted greatly among different people. Initial thought, to question whether or not my varying personality is a good thing, natural. I believe it is natural for various people to see you through different lenses...that's a different convo though...back to passions.

All of my friends are musicians...well, most of them. They have discovered their passion, and it is for music. Realizing so, this got me thinking about my own. What drives me? Motivates me? Gets me fired up? What will I work at for hours without it becoming monotonous because I desire it so much?

That same friend from above, also challenged me to look for significant patterns, personal needs, my giftedness, and then hindrances/blockages. All of which I attempted to evaluate in 30 minutes, because I am a results oriented person and I wanted the answer right then! Of course that is foolish, passions are built and discovered over time. God will reveals those things to me in time, they are a gift, but I do believe I need to do my part. I need to be pursuing different avenues that intrigue me. Take a few risks. Bump my head along the way. Trials that are overcome only make us stronger in our faith in Him. I believe this journey is going to be one of those times where I'm stretched, challenged, molded, and strengthened.

All of my friends are musicians....which leaves me pondering...'what is my passion'?

May I Be Knocked Down to Draw Strength from Him

Today has been rough. Not counting waking up, the first thing I did today was spend time with my Father. I caught myself reading for the sake of reading and checking it off my list of things to do today. Then I stopped and prayed for focus. Then I prayed that God would lead me to what I needed to read rather than me choosing. I ended up reading Hebrews 1-3.

Do you ever wake up feeling burdened? I did today, and I don't know why. I woke up feeling under attack and ran straight for my bible and prayer. Obviously I didn't rest in my Father enough because I am still feeling extremely uneasy.

I went to my favorite coffee shop to get away and grab a drink. I started journaling a tad about my uneasy feeling. The feeling remained and grew stronger, tears began to well up in my eyes. Then a small outpouring began. It was great, I absolutely love getting upset in public places....sarcasm, nonetheless.

One source of all this came from having my heart in 2 places. When I am in California I miss home and all the things that home entails, family, friends, familiarity...When I am in Arkansas I miss California and all the things that Cali entails, growth, Brett, friends I can help. The second source is that I discovered something about myself today that I had never put words to...I NEED to be needed. As much as I may get drained, I love knowing that I am helping someone or at least attempting. I get a great deal of fulfillment out of doing so, and I don't do that nearly to the extent that I do in California.

I feel semi-purposeless here. I know God uses us in so many different facets and avenues. I know sometimes we aren't always meant to be the ones giving that sometimes we are meant to receive. I think that I have only been here a week and perhaps God hasn't revealed to me the work I am supposed to do or maybe the work that He is going to do on me by using others. Regardless, I find myself restless...and today is a hard day. I am not saying any of this because I want sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. More so, it's so you know where I am. So that I don't always come off so strong and independent. Truth be told, I desperately need people. I desperately need approval from people in my life. I also love knowing I can depend on others to get things done, rather than me always having to be the 'strong' one with a plan...it's nice to have a break from all of that. I think that is why the Lord refreshes me so...because I know that I can ALWAYS depend on Him and His never ending amounts of strength and wisdom. I can know that I don't always have to have everything figured out. In fact, the less I have planned and figured out, the more room I leave for Him to move. Goodness knows His plans are always more incredible than mine could ever even attempt to be.

Blah, Blah, Blah

So...I went on a coffee date with an old friend, we talked about life, getting old, and how this may be our last summer to enjoy being 'students' and not having any true responsibilities. (aka career, bills, spouse, kids, ahhhhh).

I don't mean any of this in a 'debbie-downer' kind of way, but more of a realization kind of way. Like a 'just so you know' kind of thought, so you don't let the summer pass you by without you taking full advantage of the time. Lets face the facts...we are getting older every day that passes by. We are taking on more and more responsibilities, and with that comes a tad more stress. Many blessings also come with responsibility, but yeah that's a different story.

You know those lists, the ones with all the things you want to see or do, it's time to bust those out and to start checking some things off! Now is the time to act free and independent of obligations. Take advantage of it! Unless you happen to be one of the few that doesn't buy into this american dream of working so you can pay for things, so that you can work more, to buy more things (that you probably could do without if you really thought about it). Once again, that's a whole different story, lol...boy do I get off topic easy. ADD perhaps? Maybe a smidge.

This might be my last time to live at home for more than just a week or a few weeks stay. I want to absorb everything I can, and never let go. I need to work on my ability to appreciate the 'process'. Incase you weren't already aware, I'm a results-oriented person. Don't ask me how I accomplished something, just ask me when it got accomplished. I'm working on appreciating the process, which involves patience. Patience is not an attribute I possessed a little less than a year ago. Then this individual came into my life who just so happens to be a proccesor, boy oh boy does God have a sense of humor!

Once again I went off on a tangent. And preface, here I go again. I'm so thankful for my own room, my little refuge. First time to have my own room in what seems life forever. It's a blessing. After a day full of socialness, solitude is huge.

Random thoughts, I don't know why I end or ever even state 'random thoughts/tangents' what have you. Fact of the matter is, I talk about random things.

Intention & Motivation

I currently don't understand the complacent Christian way of life. God sent His only, perfect Son to die for a people that didn't even care to know Him so that we may have eternal life. Not only that, but so that we could know Him, have hope, learn what it means to love unconditionally. I am guilty of it too. But honestly, what are we doing with our lives? He didn't create us to be selfish. So often we base what we do in the day off of what brings US pleasure. Have you ever noticed the difference in your day though when you don't live it for yourself but for the Lord and all about others?

I don't know about you, but the change in my attitude is significant. I get so much more fulfillment and satisfaction out of living each day for the Lord. I get so much more out of having meaningful, fruitful conversations rather than talking about others, what's playing at the theater, or what's for dinner. The funny thing is, as much as I recognize the difference, more often than not the day turns out to be about me. What I can do that will bring ME pleasure. What I can eat that I will enjoy. It's time for accountability to start taking place. It's time for us to truly start making our days about God and others, and not ourselves. It burns in my soul deep when I see christians living like the world. Cussing, drinking, having sex, gossiping, being hateful for the sake of making themselves 'feel better', putting our own individuals needs before others, hoarding money that isn't even our in the first place to buy things we don't need and that won't last for eterenity.

Conversations last for eternity. Conversations and love change lives. They change lives that could lead to salvation. Salvation lasts FOREVER. Why do always get so caught up in the frivilous things of the world? We allow the enemy a foothold in our life, and he just keeps taking, he keeps digging, until we are so dissatisfied. I'm not saying it's bad to want to succeed and make money or whatever your desire might be. Just make sure you are doing it with the right intentions and with the right heart. Use that God-given opportunity to bless and encourage lives that you wouldn't have been able to reach had God not allowed you to succeed in that specific area.

I'm guilty of having wrong intentions. I'm SO guilty of living for myself. But the Lord is daily freeing me from that. My accountability comes from spending time with Him. Where will you find yours? Or perhaps, where did you find yours? I so hope that you did. There is SO much freedom in living for the Lord and others. An incredible amount of self-inflicted pressure gets released. It's not about us, it's about Him.

I just harped on that topic. Ha, I have a way with beating a dead horse. (that's a saying for anyone that doesn't know, bc no, i do not literally beat dead horses). Just wanted to clear that up and not leave an room for confusion, lol....oh goodness I need to go back to sleep I think.

Accountability Promotes Growth

I've realized things in life aren't typically handed to you, things have to be worked for. "Things" is a pretty general term, but the desired 'thing' for everyone is different which is why I left it as a generality. Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is, I have realized I can sit on my butt and wait for people in my life to line up perfectly or I can start initiating and lining those people up myself.

Yesterday I was really working on this thought a great deal. Basically I mapped out who I mentor currently and who I want to mentor in the future. Then I listed those who mentor me currently, and those who I would like to mentor me in the future. For those who mentor me, I tried to categorize them. Categories entailed: spiritual growth, intellectual growth, self growth, work oriented growth, and emotional growth. I tried to categorize those individuals that pour into me into one of those categories, and I would love to have all filled with 2-3 individuals for each. Also, for those that I 'mentor', which typically just looks like hanging out and being their friend but having deeper than 'typical' conversations (whatever typical is anyway), I try to categorize myself for them. For example, for a girl that I hang out with often, am I provoking growth in her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally? More than one of the categories? That's what I mean, I hope that makes sense.

I have noticed a greater level of accountability for personal growth, and also to help others grow. Accountability is one of the best tools for growth. Lets face the fact that growth is hard to do on your own, I dare to say, impossible. People and culture are an incomprehensible influence and shape us into who we are. People and culture don't just have to be tangible objects or things. God is such an influence in who we are. Music that we hear is an influence, etc.

So I created a little "web of influence". I plan on making it look a tad more official, and I need to show it to someone or perhaps a few someones, so that I have...what's the magic word, 'accountability'. I think that when we express and idea or dream to someone we are much more likely to follow through and accomplish it. One, they will bring it up and ask us how it's going. Also though, people are prideful and shameful. Most people don't like to have to deal with the 'oh I knew you weren't really going to follow through with that' statement, that is so often said and stings our self-conscious/ego real bad when it is processed through. No follow through is not a good reputation to have. That is why we have to be careful with what ideas come out of our mouth. At the same time though, we can't have so much pride that we are afraid of failure. Failure shapes us, grows us, motivates us to do better next time.

Okay, I'm fresh out of thoughts, actually that's a false statement. I don't think I am ever without a thought. Keep growing, keep changing, keep shaping, keep loving.

End of story.

Tangent

So I'm home, back in Arkansas again.

There are so many initial thoughts for this blog that I don't even know where to begin and if I wrote them all this would be terribly too long winded...

There is nothing like the familiarity of home. The love, smells, vibrancy of colors, warmth, depth, comfortableness, developed relationships, favorite places to retreat to...nothing compares. Being loved and wanted is an unexplainable feeling for me, which I think is why I love Arkansas so much. Not only do I have that relationship with my family, but I can go virtually anywhere and see someone I know and catch up right where we left off. I also like how I can go into my favorite coffee shop, still, after being gone for basically 8 months and they still know my name. They know my order. They know where I go to school. People in Arkansas know me, to an extent. Being known is a good feeling.

However, I have placed upon myself a new challenge. Well actually, the Lord has placed that challenge upon me but I am going to have to be the implementer. Relationships in San Diego look very different than my relationships in Arkansas. The difference is the depth. In San Diego, I was by myself, or so I felt. Learning to rely on God and others for help quickly became a feat that I had to overcome. I developed emotional ties, I actually began to let people in. So often I catch myself having surface level conversation because I am too afraid to let others in. I hate being vulnerable. It gives people an opportunity to see who you are, evaluate your weaknesses, and if they so choose, take advantage of you. Which in turn results in a lot of hurt, a lot of mistrust, and a lot of frustration for ever choosing to trust that person in the first place. I think that became the point in my life where I began to only seek out the Lord in the word and through journaling and I lost my way of relating to others. Relating got lost in the hurt and pain, in my journal. About my challenge though, my challenge is to take my current relationships in Arkansas and take them deeper. I hold myself personally responsible for a lack of accountability in those. I know what should be being talked about rather than what actually is, and I need to start changing those conversations, little by little.

When you know better or you know what should be going on in contrast to what actually is, I think you are held to a higher standard. I think that accountability is going to have to start with myself and fan outward. I want and need the Lord to use me this summer. I am not capable of this on my own, or at least not making it the greatness that the Lord could if I would just be open to Him using me. Typically being used by the Lord comes from great obedience, something I need to learn to practice more consistently. This summer is going to be one for the books. This summer God is going to move in me, through me, through my relationships. Complacency is the death of Christianity and faith. Without accountability to a higher calling and a higher standing, how are we ever going to do great things for the Lord? Why would the Lord choose to use someone that isn't passionate, that isn't disciplined, that isn't seeking Him out fully? We will continually fail when we try to accomplish things by our own strength. He can move the mountains, He created the earth, He performed miracles. Why in the world would we ever rely on ourselves, fallen beings, when He is perfect in every way?

I apologize for my random tangent. Many thoughts are running through my head and I can't begin to process them all, especially in a written form. Anyway, goodbye for now. More updates to come from Arkansas.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy.

Stream of Consciousness

Random thoughts circling in and out of my consciousness lately…

-Work on setting more realistic expectations of myself. (which in turn directly affects having realistic expectations of others)
I was talking to someone very close to me tonight, and he was saying how most people have 4-6 areas in their life where they invest their time and energy and those 4-6 areas total up to 100%. For example, I give 20% of my time to God, 30% investing in people, x% to work, etc, you get the idea. However, he said that I give 100% of myself to God, 100% to others, 100% to work, anyway that’s the basic idea.

-Give this summer fully to God.
That’s so easy for me to say, but so difficult for me to do. Fact of the matter is, I like to be in control of my circumstances and situations. This summer is going to entail more than I could ever handle on my own. Good thing I have God on my side, because goodness knows He can make things turn out far better than I can with my own abilities. This summer is going to consist of deepening past relationships that have been conditioned to function a certain way, which I don’t feel like going into. Also, those relationships have been conditioned to a certain level of depth that I am no longer satisfied with operating and relating at. Family relationships need help too (depth, accountability, realization of softness, etc, etc).

-My moods affect more than just me.
-I'm stressed about going home this summer. I just need to let God use me & run with it. I need to learn how to not control things...
-Accountability & mentoring->need to find it, more like, let God reveal it. (which is out of my control, ha)
-More intentional relationships? (both at home & at school)
-Learning to soak in the current moments rather than always looking forward to what's next is something I struggle with.

Lord I'm Amazed by You

If I haven't heard it once, then I have probably heard it a million times....the amount people change while in college. I have yet to fully grasp the concept, and I probably never will. I don't know about anyone else, but this past 8 months have been a fat dose of a reality check, in a beautiful tear-jerking, stomach-aching, kind of way.

March of 2008 I decided to move 1,500 miles across the country to a lovely land called California. I suppose I didn't actually decide to move here, the Lord put the desire in my heart and set up the right people in my life since I was 13 to start paving the way for this all to occur. Never in a million years would I have ever considered myself (pre-moving) a crier. Goodness was I wrong. The loneliness, the feeling of being undiscovered...you know, the feeling of being surrounded by a sea of people but feeling incredibly and inexplainably alone. That was me, it still is sometimes, but that is something I have to give to the Lord. My first trial was learning that no matter how alone I am I always have the Lord. God and me, we became best friends pretty quickly. I have had moments in my life where I had to cling close to my bible and the Lord, but never for such an extended period of time have I ever felt SO dependent on the Lord. That time was a blessing. I learned what time with God, dependence on God, surrender to God, truly looked and felt like for my life. I say 'my life', because all relationships look different for different people. Anyway, that was a little side note.

Since that time, I won't claim that I have had the most consistent relationship, because that would be false. But, what I will say, is that my time with God has grown to a much more complex thing. I can no longer just be satisfied with praying before bed. Or perhaps just opening my bible on Sunday. Or fasting every once in a while, when in all actuality I wasn't fasting for the Lord but for selfish, outward appearance reasons. God has taken me to new heights that I never want to leave. I just want to keep climbing closer and closer to my Father, until that day where I get to cuddle up in His lap as His child. You may want to know what the picture of my relationship with Him looks like now...I would tell you, but it will probably be different tomorrow. I am one of those who is in constant need of change, so I don't have a 'set' plan. It's turned into more of a talking to throughout the day, listening to worship at nearly all times, reading my bible...you get the idea.

Listening to worship at nearly all times...boy oh boy is that a topic I could talk about for hours. Okay, so maybe not literally hours, because I am a little more to the point than that, but yeah. One more thing then I will have a separate blog at a later, unknown, date...listening to worship (instead of secular music) has made one of the BIGGEST differences in my personality, mood, consistency in my relationship with the Lord, etc.

I should probably be studying for finals....I suppose that will come at some point.

Bye for now...sorry that was cut off.