I haven't done this in a while, minus my most recent blog, for various reasons. The main being that I'm not a huge fan of putting my 'stuff' out there for others to read, consider, analyze, and more than likely judge. There's something very scary about that to me. It is so much easier to live within these safe confines (walls) of who I am without ever letting others in.
My whole life I have been raised to be self-sufficient, independent, unemotional, to always put my best foot forward, and always have it all together. Whether these were cultural expectations (growing up in the South), expectations from my parents, or just purely expectations I placed on myself, regardless of the origin, these are all lies/expectations that I have learned to tip toe within for 20ish or so years.
To talk through all those various characteristics listed above would take quite some time. Short version, I'm beginning to realize how those characteristics are negative when they are at such an extreme and the affect they have on me and everyone else I come in contact with.
Truth be told, I don't know how to need others. Sounds basic, right? Well...not for me, it's an endless battle that defeats me more often than not.
Unemotional-I'm a girl, I am SUPPOSED to be emotional, it's HEALTHY to be emotional. I know all of this as head knowledge, but my heart hasn't grasped it. I don't know what it means to truly let tears run down my face...I always hold mine back. Once again, for various reasons that would take too long to explain and to be perfectly honest, I would rather not publicize that story.
Putting my best foot forward-even if you don't have your crap together, act like it. That whole 'fake it till you make it' thought process, you trekking with me? Good. Lets start with surface, actually that's all this concept is, is surface level...anyway I will continue...from hair, to make up, to clothing-it's all so pretty. So pretty, just like a perfectly wrapped gift with a beautiful little ribbon to tie it all together (unintentional pun, still funny though). Point is, I learned how to put on a face and appear to have it all together, but inside my soul yearned to be discovered. I wanted to be known, truly known and understood by people, not just by my Father.
I still am very good at putting up this front of all these things. I see them as strengths most days, but if abused by taken to their extreme they can most definitely be weaknesses. They end up being these barriers that are impossible to overcome unless I chooose to let you. I do this to this day, the difference, I am aware of it. The other difference, I don't want to be the negative extreme anymore and by the grace and strength of God I will perservere. He will break down all of these walls and the enemy will no longer have me in bondage. I'm battling, but God's on my side and when I take rest in that-the light at the end of the tunnel is almost within grasp.
I will overcome-but through Him.
2 Cor. 12:9-10
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