Plant, Build, Difference. CHANGE.

I am pretty pumped about summer camp that is coming up in about 3 weeks now. My initial thoughts were pretty skeptical...too often you see students go, get on this spiritual high, but there is no real heart or lifestyle change. I get dissappointed everytime that happens...I just want to see them TRULY desire God's heart!!

Then I remembered how many students really do change, their hearts, their lifestyle, their habits....and it sticks. The Holy Spirit begins to dwell in their hearts, and starts to overtake their sinfulness. We are all guilty of sin, we are all ALWAYS going to be guilty of sin (Rom. 3:23). If just 1 students life is changed and they desire to bring God glory through their words, actions, thoughts....that's enough to make it worth going. Planting a seed is worth going. Even if their is no initial change, perhaps, I or some other leader will be used by God to plant a seed in that student. Some other Pastor or student, or whoever, will water that seed that begins the growth. Then change occurs.

My initial thoughts were selfish...and not of God, that's for sure. I am going...to plant a seed. I am going...to build relationships. I am going...to be used by God to make a difference in students lives. Why don't I go into every day with that mindset? If that's not convicting then I don't know what is. Why do I open myself up to be used at camp but not every single day? I am not saying that I shut down opportunities when they arise...however, I most certainly don't live every day for the Lord, for others, to show christ-like love....

Plant a seed. Build relationships. Make a difference. BE the change.

"Marriage is Designed to Make Us Holy More Than Happy"

So my mom is reading this book in her bible study group called 'Sacred Marriage' and she has said nothing but great things about the book. I decided I wanted to read it after hearing so many potentially life changing ideas.

The key idea is that 'God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy'. I'm guilty of buying into the televised, movie, book, and other forms of media version of love and marriage. You know the romance, the fairytale, the chase. Not that those things are completely incapable of occuring, I'm not saying that at all, they most definitely can..

I'm saying that if we go into marriage with the idea of it being a form of ministry where we love, grow, challenge someone all for the glory of God knowing that humans are fallen beings and that husband, or that wife, is incapable of perfection and making you completely happy, won't we be so much better off? Won't our future marriages scream to the world a model of christ-like love, forgiveness, selflessness, servanthood (and so many other elements)...like they are designed to?

People naturally better themselves or hold themselves to a higher standard when they are trying to 'impress' someone. Well same goes for relationships and marriage...when you want to see your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife grow and discover some of their potential, you yourself have to first incur growth so they are motivated. Also, so they don't see you as hypocritical and expecting something out of them that you yourself are not doing. (which takes knowing yourself)

Anyway just some thoughts that I was pretty excited about, that are already teaching me a whole new way of thinking. More to come on the book, I'm sure!

Hm..

I think that naturally as humans we learn to adapt to our given environment. I also think that growing up as the middle child of 7 I have learned to near master this skill of adaptation. However, now I am left thinking which parts of me are the 'adapted' parts of my personality or skills that I do, and what actually comes natural for me.

Not really positive why this popped into my head, but I am beginning to realize that my detail-orientedness is an adapted skill that I can do well, however it is definitely not my favorite. And...I have a tendency to try to find the shorter route, because I think I will get the same result. Which in some cases may be true, but in others, not so much and it results in a hand slap.

Another is being clean and neat. I can be, because I know it needs to be done, but it definitely isn't a priority to me.

My priorities as of now consist of God, people (family, friends, random people at places I frequently visit that I just haven't met yet), challenges, music, writing, trying to better myself so I can better others. I'm sure there are more, but these are things I love. These are things I know and enjoy. Everything else is just an adaption to my environment.

Sometimes I feel like my adaptions are viewed as strengths (which maybe they are) but definitely not what I truly enjoy. I think I do that to other people too. Assume that just because someone is 'good' at something, doesn't mean they enjoy it.

Some of my "Before I Die"s....

*Raise god-fearing children
*Marry a man that will make me holy, not happy (happiness comes w/ holiness though...)
*Write a book
*Invest in as many lives as possible
*Live in another country for 1+ year(s) serving others, not buying into the 'american dream' of working to earn money, to buy things I could probably live without (repeat cycle)...
*Travel to Israel, Italy, Namibia..
*Learn to surf (well)
*Ride a horse on the beach
*See San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago
*Be self-employed
*Break my coffee addiction
*My love for knowledge and wisdom from others will only increase
*Put all self-made/friend-made etc photography/artwork in my house
*Never work a job I hate just bc of the income
*Learn to have lifelong friendships instead of seasonal

All of My Friends are Musicians

I have just recently begun an endless journey of discovering my passion(s)...

I'm passionate about God
people
I love to write
I thrive off of a good challenge
I like change (because it's a challenge)....

A good friend challenged me to view myself from 30,000 feet away, basically view myself from the perspective of a general spectator or a friend. I never realized the complexity of attempting to view yourself from everyone else's perception. Attempting is a key word in that previous sentence because I believe this tool takes a great deal of time to acquire, at least that is the case for me.

I realized when I started to view myself from the perception of others, that my personality/strengths/etc contrasted greatly among different people. Initial thought, to question whether or not my varying personality is a good thing, natural. I believe it is natural for various people to see you through different lenses...that's a different convo though...back to passions.

All of my friends are musicians...well, most of them. They have discovered their passion, and it is for music. Realizing so, this got me thinking about my own. What drives me? Motivates me? Gets me fired up? What will I work at for hours without it becoming monotonous because I desire it so much?

That same friend from above, also challenged me to look for significant patterns, personal needs, my giftedness, and then hindrances/blockages. All of which I attempted to evaluate in 30 minutes, because I am a results oriented person and I wanted the answer right then! Of course that is foolish, passions are built and discovered over time. God will reveals those things to me in time, they are a gift, but I do believe I need to do my part. I need to be pursuing different avenues that intrigue me. Take a few risks. Bump my head along the way. Trials that are overcome only make us stronger in our faith in Him. I believe this journey is going to be one of those times where I'm stretched, challenged, molded, and strengthened.

All of my friends are musicians....which leaves me pondering...'what is my passion'?

May I Be Knocked Down to Draw Strength from Him

Today has been rough. Not counting waking up, the first thing I did today was spend time with my Father. I caught myself reading for the sake of reading and checking it off my list of things to do today. Then I stopped and prayed for focus. Then I prayed that God would lead me to what I needed to read rather than me choosing. I ended up reading Hebrews 1-3.

Do you ever wake up feeling burdened? I did today, and I don't know why. I woke up feeling under attack and ran straight for my bible and prayer. Obviously I didn't rest in my Father enough because I am still feeling extremely uneasy.

I went to my favorite coffee shop to get away and grab a drink. I started journaling a tad about my uneasy feeling. The feeling remained and grew stronger, tears began to well up in my eyes. Then a small outpouring began. It was great, I absolutely love getting upset in public places....sarcasm, nonetheless.

One source of all this came from having my heart in 2 places. When I am in California I miss home and all the things that home entails, family, friends, familiarity...When I am in Arkansas I miss California and all the things that Cali entails, growth, Brett, friends I can help. The second source is that I discovered something about myself today that I had never put words to...I NEED to be needed. As much as I may get drained, I love knowing that I am helping someone or at least attempting. I get a great deal of fulfillment out of doing so, and I don't do that nearly to the extent that I do in California.

I feel semi-purposeless here. I know God uses us in so many different facets and avenues. I know sometimes we aren't always meant to be the ones giving that sometimes we are meant to receive. I think that I have only been here a week and perhaps God hasn't revealed to me the work I am supposed to do or maybe the work that He is going to do on me by using others. Regardless, I find myself restless...and today is a hard day. I am not saying any of this because I want sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. More so, it's so you know where I am. So that I don't always come off so strong and independent. Truth be told, I desperately need people. I desperately need approval from people in my life. I also love knowing I can depend on others to get things done, rather than me always having to be the 'strong' one with a plan...it's nice to have a break from all of that. I think that is why the Lord refreshes me so...because I know that I can ALWAYS depend on Him and His never ending amounts of strength and wisdom. I can know that I don't always have to have everything figured out. In fact, the less I have planned and figured out, the more room I leave for Him to move. Goodness knows His plans are always more incredible than mine could ever even attempt to be.

Blah, Blah, Blah

So...I went on a coffee date with an old friend, we talked about life, getting old, and how this may be our last summer to enjoy being 'students' and not having any true responsibilities. (aka career, bills, spouse, kids, ahhhhh).

I don't mean any of this in a 'debbie-downer' kind of way, but more of a realization kind of way. Like a 'just so you know' kind of thought, so you don't let the summer pass you by without you taking full advantage of the time. Lets face the facts...we are getting older every day that passes by. We are taking on more and more responsibilities, and with that comes a tad more stress. Many blessings also come with responsibility, but yeah that's a different story.

You know those lists, the ones with all the things you want to see or do, it's time to bust those out and to start checking some things off! Now is the time to act free and independent of obligations. Take advantage of it! Unless you happen to be one of the few that doesn't buy into this american dream of working so you can pay for things, so that you can work more, to buy more things (that you probably could do without if you really thought about it). Once again, that's a whole different story, lol...boy do I get off topic easy. ADD perhaps? Maybe a smidge.

This might be my last time to live at home for more than just a week or a few weeks stay. I want to absorb everything I can, and never let go. I need to work on my ability to appreciate the 'process'. Incase you weren't already aware, I'm a results-oriented person. Don't ask me how I accomplished something, just ask me when it got accomplished. I'm working on appreciating the process, which involves patience. Patience is not an attribute I possessed a little less than a year ago. Then this individual came into my life who just so happens to be a proccesor, boy oh boy does God have a sense of humor!

Once again I went off on a tangent. And preface, here I go again. I'm so thankful for my own room, my little refuge. First time to have my own room in what seems life forever. It's a blessing. After a day full of socialness, solitude is huge.

Random thoughts, I don't know why I end or ever even state 'random thoughts/tangents' what have you. Fact of the matter is, I talk about random things.

Intention & Motivation

I currently don't understand the complacent Christian way of life. God sent His only, perfect Son to die for a people that didn't even care to know Him so that we may have eternal life. Not only that, but so that we could know Him, have hope, learn what it means to love unconditionally. I am guilty of it too. But honestly, what are we doing with our lives? He didn't create us to be selfish. So often we base what we do in the day off of what brings US pleasure. Have you ever noticed the difference in your day though when you don't live it for yourself but for the Lord and all about others?

I don't know about you, but the change in my attitude is significant. I get so much more fulfillment and satisfaction out of living each day for the Lord. I get so much more out of having meaningful, fruitful conversations rather than talking about others, what's playing at the theater, or what's for dinner. The funny thing is, as much as I recognize the difference, more often than not the day turns out to be about me. What I can do that will bring ME pleasure. What I can eat that I will enjoy. It's time for accountability to start taking place. It's time for us to truly start making our days about God and others, and not ourselves. It burns in my soul deep when I see christians living like the world. Cussing, drinking, having sex, gossiping, being hateful for the sake of making themselves 'feel better', putting our own individuals needs before others, hoarding money that isn't even our in the first place to buy things we don't need and that won't last for eterenity.

Conversations last for eternity. Conversations and love change lives. They change lives that could lead to salvation. Salvation lasts FOREVER. Why do always get so caught up in the frivilous things of the world? We allow the enemy a foothold in our life, and he just keeps taking, he keeps digging, until we are so dissatisfied. I'm not saying it's bad to want to succeed and make money or whatever your desire might be. Just make sure you are doing it with the right intentions and with the right heart. Use that God-given opportunity to bless and encourage lives that you wouldn't have been able to reach had God not allowed you to succeed in that specific area.

I'm guilty of having wrong intentions. I'm SO guilty of living for myself. But the Lord is daily freeing me from that. My accountability comes from spending time with Him. Where will you find yours? Or perhaps, where did you find yours? I so hope that you did. There is SO much freedom in living for the Lord and others. An incredible amount of self-inflicted pressure gets released. It's not about us, it's about Him.

I just harped on that topic. Ha, I have a way with beating a dead horse. (that's a saying for anyone that doesn't know, bc no, i do not literally beat dead horses). Just wanted to clear that up and not leave an room for confusion, lol....oh goodness I need to go back to sleep I think.

Accountability Promotes Growth

I've realized things in life aren't typically handed to you, things have to be worked for. "Things" is a pretty general term, but the desired 'thing' for everyone is different which is why I left it as a generality. Anyway, that is beside the point. The point is, I have realized I can sit on my butt and wait for people in my life to line up perfectly or I can start initiating and lining those people up myself.

Yesterday I was really working on this thought a great deal. Basically I mapped out who I mentor currently and who I want to mentor in the future. Then I listed those who mentor me currently, and those who I would like to mentor me in the future. For those who mentor me, I tried to categorize them. Categories entailed: spiritual growth, intellectual growth, self growth, work oriented growth, and emotional growth. I tried to categorize those individuals that pour into me into one of those categories, and I would love to have all filled with 2-3 individuals for each. Also, for those that I 'mentor', which typically just looks like hanging out and being their friend but having deeper than 'typical' conversations (whatever typical is anyway), I try to categorize myself for them. For example, for a girl that I hang out with often, am I provoking growth in her spiritually, intellectually, emotionally? More than one of the categories? That's what I mean, I hope that makes sense.

I have noticed a greater level of accountability for personal growth, and also to help others grow. Accountability is one of the best tools for growth. Lets face the fact that growth is hard to do on your own, I dare to say, impossible. People and culture are an incomprehensible influence and shape us into who we are. People and culture don't just have to be tangible objects or things. God is such an influence in who we are. Music that we hear is an influence, etc.

So I created a little "web of influence". I plan on making it look a tad more official, and I need to show it to someone or perhaps a few someones, so that I have...what's the magic word, 'accountability'. I think that when we express and idea or dream to someone we are much more likely to follow through and accomplish it. One, they will bring it up and ask us how it's going. Also though, people are prideful and shameful. Most people don't like to have to deal with the 'oh I knew you weren't really going to follow through with that' statement, that is so often said and stings our self-conscious/ego real bad when it is processed through. No follow through is not a good reputation to have. That is why we have to be careful with what ideas come out of our mouth. At the same time though, we can't have so much pride that we are afraid of failure. Failure shapes us, grows us, motivates us to do better next time.

Okay, I'm fresh out of thoughts, actually that's a false statement. I don't think I am ever without a thought. Keep growing, keep changing, keep shaping, keep loving.

End of story.

Tangent

So I'm home, back in Arkansas again.

There are so many initial thoughts for this blog that I don't even know where to begin and if I wrote them all this would be terribly too long winded...

There is nothing like the familiarity of home. The love, smells, vibrancy of colors, warmth, depth, comfortableness, developed relationships, favorite places to retreat to...nothing compares. Being loved and wanted is an unexplainable feeling for me, which I think is why I love Arkansas so much. Not only do I have that relationship with my family, but I can go virtually anywhere and see someone I know and catch up right where we left off. I also like how I can go into my favorite coffee shop, still, after being gone for basically 8 months and they still know my name. They know my order. They know where I go to school. People in Arkansas know me, to an extent. Being known is a good feeling.

However, I have placed upon myself a new challenge. Well actually, the Lord has placed that challenge upon me but I am going to have to be the implementer. Relationships in San Diego look very different than my relationships in Arkansas. The difference is the depth. In San Diego, I was by myself, or so I felt. Learning to rely on God and others for help quickly became a feat that I had to overcome. I developed emotional ties, I actually began to let people in. So often I catch myself having surface level conversation because I am too afraid to let others in. I hate being vulnerable. It gives people an opportunity to see who you are, evaluate your weaknesses, and if they so choose, take advantage of you. Which in turn results in a lot of hurt, a lot of mistrust, and a lot of frustration for ever choosing to trust that person in the first place. I think that became the point in my life where I began to only seek out the Lord in the word and through journaling and I lost my way of relating to others. Relating got lost in the hurt and pain, in my journal. About my challenge though, my challenge is to take my current relationships in Arkansas and take them deeper. I hold myself personally responsible for a lack of accountability in those. I know what should be being talked about rather than what actually is, and I need to start changing those conversations, little by little.

When you know better or you know what should be going on in contrast to what actually is, I think you are held to a higher standard. I think that accountability is going to have to start with myself and fan outward. I want and need the Lord to use me this summer. I am not capable of this on my own, or at least not making it the greatness that the Lord could if I would just be open to Him using me. Typically being used by the Lord comes from great obedience, something I need to learn to practice more consistently. This summer is going to be one for the books. This summer God is going to move in me, through me, through my relationships. Complacency is the death of Christianity and faith. Without accountability to a higher calling and a higher standing, how are we ever going to do great things for the Lord? Why would the Lord choose to use someone that isn't passionate, that isn't disciplined, that isn't seeking Him out fully? We will continually fail when we try to accomplish things by our own strength. He can move the mountains, He created the earth, He performed miracles. Why in the world would we ever rely on ourselves, fallen beings, when He is perfect in every way?

I apologize for my random tangent. Many thoughts are running through my head and I can't begin to process them all, especially in a written form. Anyway, goodbye for now. More updates to come from Arkansas.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy.

Stream of Consciousness

Random thoughts circling in and out of my consciousness lately…

-Work on setting more realistic expectations of myself. (which in turn directly affects having realistic expectations of others)
I was talking to someone very close to me tonight, and he was saying how most people have 4-6 areas in their life where they invest their time and energy and those 4-6 areas total up to 100%. For example, I give 20% of my time to God, 30% investing in people, x% to work, etc, you get the idea. However, he said that I give 100% of myself to God, 100% to others, 100% to work, anyway that’s the basic idea.

-Give this summer fully to God.
That’s so easy for me to say, but so difficult for me to do. Fact of the matter is, I like to be in control of my circumstances and situations. This summer is going to entail more than I could ever handle on my own. Good thing I have God on my side, because goodness knows He can make things turn out far better than I can with my own abilities. This summer is going to consist of deepening past relationships that have been conditioned to function a certain way, which I don’t feel like going into. Also, those relationships have been conditioned to a certain level of depth that I am no longer satisfied with operating and relating at. Family relationships need help too (depth, accountability, realization of softness, etc, etc).

-My moods affect more than just me.
-I'm stressed about going home this summer. I just need to let God use me & run with it. I need to learn how to not control things...
-Accountability & mentoring->need to find it, more like, let God reveal it. (which is out of my control, ha)
-More intentional relationships? (both at home & at school)
-Learning to soak in the current moments rather than always looking forward to what's next is something I struggle with.

Lord I'm Amazed by You

If I haven't heard it once, then I have probably heard it a million times....the amount people change while in college. I have yet to fully grasp the concept, and I probably never will. I don't know about anyone else, but this past 8 months have been a fat dose of a reality check, in a beautiful tear-jerking, stomach-aching, kind of way.

March of 2008 I decided to move 1,500 miles across the country to a lovely land called California. I suppose I didn't actually decide to move here, the Lord put the desire in my heart and set up the right people in my life since I was 13 to start paving the way for this all to occur. Never in a million years would I have ever considered myself (pre-moving) a crier. Goodness was I wrong. The loneliness, the feeling of being undiscovered...you know, the feeling of being surrounded by a sea of people but feeling incredibly and inexplainably alone. That was me, it still is sometimes, but that is something I have to give to the Lord. My first trial was learning that no matter how alone I am I always have the Lord. God and me, we became best friends pretty quickly. I have had moments in my life where I had to cling close to my bible and the Lord, but never for such an extended period of time have I ever felt SO dependent on the Lord. That time was a blessing. I learned what time with God, dependence on God, surrender to God, truly looked and felt like for my life. I say 'my life', because all relationships look different for different people. Anyway, that was a little side note.

Since that time, I won't claim that I have had the most consistent relationship, because that would be false. But, what I will say, is that my time with God has grown to a much more complex thing. I can no longer just be satisfied with praying before bed. Or perhaps just opening my bible on Sunday. Or fasting every once in a while, when in all actuality I wasn't fasting for the Lord but for selfish, outward appearance reasons. God has taken me to new heights that I never want to leave. I just want to keep climbing closer and closer to my Father, until that day where I get to cuddle up in His lap as His child. You may want to know what the picture of my relationship with Him looks like now...I would tell you, but it will probably be different tomorrow. I am one of those who is in constant need of change, so I don't have a 'set' plan. It's turned into more of a talking to throughout the day, listening to worship at nearly all times, reading my bible...you get the idea.

Listening to worship at nearly all times...boy oh boy is that a topic I could talk about for hours. Okay, so maybe not literally hours, because I am a little more to the point than that, but yeah. One more thing then I will have a separate blog at a later, unknown, date...listening to worship (instead of secular music) has made one of the BIGGEST differences in my personality, mood, consistency in my relationship with the Lord, etc.

I should probably be studying for finals....I suppose that will come at some point.

Bye for now...sorry that was cut off.