Tangent

So I'm home, back in Arkansas again.

There are so many initial thoughts for this blog that I don't even know where to begin and if I wrote them all this would be terribly too long winded...

There is nothing like the familiarity of home. The love, smells, vibrancy of colors, warmth, depth, comfortableness, developed relationships, favorite places to retreat to...nothing compares. Being loved and wanted is an unexplainable feeling for me, which I think is why I love Arkansas so much. Not only do I have that relationship with my family, but I can go virtually anywhere and see someone I know and catch up right where we left off. I also like how I can go into my favorite coffee shop, still, after being gone for basically 8 months and they still know my name. They know my order. They know where I go to school. People in Arkansas know me, to an extent. Being known is a good feeling.

However, I have placed upon myself a new challenge. Well actually, the Lord has placed that challenge upon me but I am going to have to be the implementer. Relationships in San Diego look very different than my relationships in Arkansas. The difference is the depth. In San Diego, I was by myself, or so I felt. Learning to rely on God and others for help quickly became a feat that I had to overcome. I developed emotional ties, I actually began to let people in. So often I catch myself having surface level conversation because I am too afraid to let others in. I hate being vulnerable. It gives people an opportunity to see who you are, evaluate your weaknesses, and if they so choose, take advantage of you. Which in turn results in a lot of hurt, a lot of mistrust, and a lot of frustration for ever choosing to trust that person in the first place. I think that became the point in my life where I began to only seek out the Lord in the word and through journaling and I lost my way of relating to others. Relating got lost in the hurt and pain, in my journal. About my challenge though, my challenge is to take my current relationships in Arkansas and take them deeper. I hold myself personally responsible for a lack of accountability in those. I know what should be being talked about rather than what actually is, and I need to start changing those conversations, little by little.

When you know better or you know what should be going on in contrast to what actually is, I think you are held to a higher standard. I think that accountability is going to have to start with myself and fan outward. I want and need the Lord to use me this summer. I am not capable of this on my own, or at least not making it the greatness that the Lord could if I would just be open to Him using me. Typically being used by the Lord comes from great obedience, something I need to learn to practice more consistently. This summer is going to be one for the books. This summer God is going to move in me, through me, through my relationships. Complacency is the death of Christianity and faith. Without accountability to a higher calling and a higher standing, how are we ever going to do great things for the Lord? Why would the Lord choose to use someone that isn't passionate, that isn't disciplined, that isn't seeking Him out fully? We will continually fail when we try to accomplish things by our own strength. He can move the mountains, He created the earth, He performed miracles. Why in the world would we ever rely on ourselves, fallen beings, when He is perfect in every way?

I apologize for my random tangent. Many thoughts are running through my head and I can't begin to process them all, especially in a written form. Anyway, goodbye for now. More updates to come from Arkansas.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy.