Today has been rough. Not counting waking up, the first thing I did today was spend time with my Father. I caught myself reading for the sake of reading and checking it off my list of things to do today. Then I stopped and prayed for focus. Then I prayed that God would lead me to what I needed to read rather than me choosing. I ended up reading Hebrews 1-3.
Do you ever wake up feeling burdened? I did today, and I don't know why. I woke up feeling under attack and ran straight for my bible and prayer. Obviously I didn't rest in my Father enough because I am still feeling extremely uneasy.
I went to my favorite coffee shop to get away and grab a drink. I started journaling a tad about my uneasy feeling. The feeling remained and grew stronger, tears began to well up in my eyes. Then a small outpouring began. It was great, I absolutely love getting upset in public places....sarcasm, nonetheless.
One source of all this came from having my heart in 2 places. When I am in California I miss home and all the things that home entails, family, friends, familiarity...When I am in Arkansas I miss California and all the things that Cali entails, growth, Brett, friends I can help. The second source is that I discovered something about myself today that I had never put words to...I NEED to be needed. As much as I may get drained, I love knowing that I am helping someone or at least attempting. I get a great deal of fulfillment out of doing so, and I don't do that nearly to the extent that I do in California.
I feel semi-purposeless here. I know God uses us in so many different facets and avenues. I know sometimes we aren't always meant to be the ones giving that sometimes we are meant to receive. I think that I have only been here a week and perhaps God hasn't revealed to me the work I am supposed to do or maybe the work that He is going to do on me by using others. Regardless, I find myself restless...and today is a hard day. I am not saying any of this because I want sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. More so, it's so you know where I am. So that I don't always come off so strong and independent. Truth be told, I desperately need people. I desperately need approval from people in my life. I also love knowing I can depend on others to get things done, rather than me always having to be the 'strong' one with a plan...it's nice to have a break from all of that. I think that is why the Lord refreshes me so...because I know that I can ALWAYS depend on Him and His never ending amounts of strength and wisdom. I can know that I don't always have to have everything figured out. In fact, the less I have planned and figured out, the more room I leave for Him to move. Goodness knows His plans are always more incredible than mine could ever even attempt to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment